He's just a friend.. who's a guy.

[iLoveAllah]

The Mindless Dating Game: Happiness or Heartbreak



Article taken From As-Sahwah.com

The article below deals with one of the major problems faced by the Muslim Youth today, in particular, those raised in the west. The author gives us an insight into the harsh reality of these “love relationships” that the western culture teaches our youth, coating them with sweet pictures of two hearts loving each other on first sight, and after little ups and downs, finally end up marrying each other and have a happy ending. Where as the reality is indeed far away from it as the sister brilliantly demonstrates.

Many unmarried people these days search for “love” in a series of premarital relationships, which far from yielding happiness, lead to nothing but spiritual degeneration, loss of self-respect, heartache and misery.

When the average girl reaches the age of ten or eleven, she - sometimes with the knowledge of her parents, sometimes without their knowledge - becomes engrossed in and obsessed with the teen romance novel: a blonde, blue-eyed girl, with a perfect size 10 figure, falls in love with the football hero of the school, a few complications on the way (nothing major, of course), but things end happily ever after. In these novels, girl and boy might hold hands, or there might even be a kiss, thrown in somewhere along the line.

By the time the impressionable reader of these novels reaches her teens, she is sick of these story lines... and is searching for more. And is most cases, “more” is usually available right there in her home, tucked away at the bottom of her mother’s cupboard, in the form of adult romance novels.

The holding hands, and the kissing has now made way for much more, as details of pre-marital passion, and the fulfilment thereof are graphically spelt out on these pages. The reader is told what the “perfect body” is supposed to look like, the notion that sexual intercourse before marriage is sweet and romantic seeps through these pages... the feelings of degradation, and the many possible consequences thereof are conveniently left out.

A fairy tale is a fairy tale, we tell ourselves, a book is a book...they have no implications on real life. Surely our daughters understand and accept this...

But we are deluding ourselves. These same “harmless” fairytales and books, have a detrimental effect on the thinking, lifestyles and attitudes of our children.

The first “crush”/infatuation our daughters experience in relation to members of the opposite sex, is often linked to false perceptions about “dating,” perceptions to which a wide variety of factors contribute. And one of the main factors painting a sugar and candy image of pre-marital romances, are these shallow bits of reading material that our daughters are exposed to.

It is no strange co-incidence that girls grow up believing that a boyfriend is the key to happiness...after all they have barely started walking, when the stories of the poor ill-treated Cinderella, saved only by a dashing prince, and the beautiful Snow White woken up by a prince, and the doomed Rapunzel, saved from the tower by a dashing hero, are told to them.

When they read romance novels, this theory is further reinforced - for, in the classic teen romance novel, the girl without a boyfriend, or “sweet sixteen and never been kissed” is the poor laughing stock who doesn’t have a date to the prom. And on the pages of a typical adult romance novel, the heroine is always a successful, beautiful career woman, but, she feels, that "something” is lacking in her life... and that “something” is naturally a man.

It is improbable that the average teenager, would just read these books, and that there would be no impact on her mind. It is usually exactly the opposite: she wishes she was the person on the pages of the book, and transfers her fantasies to her real life. She might see someone at school, who is popular, and good-looking [i.e. the football hero], and so begins her first painful crush, which is accompanied of course, by sending him anonymous ‘Valentine’s Day' cards, or calling him and playing songs over the phone. Shaitaan has set his trap, and the temptation to sin heightens, and each time the temptation is given in to, the girl becomes more daring. By the time the boy asks her out, her nafs has gotten the better of her, and her head is so filled with the notions of how sweet holding hands before that first kiss must be, she cannot resist.

And so begins a “relationship.” But this has all the ingredients that a classic romance novel does not....for those candy-coated pages do not tell you about the heartbreak, the tears, the mood swings and the countless negative aspects that are the central to these relationships. Nor do not tell you about the degradation and the loss of self-respect with which people, especially women, emerge after these relationships.

For there is no peace, no tranquillity in such relationships. The daily cycle, the moods, everything about the individual is affected. There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart, and this restlessness affects the rest of the family too. For it is now that all the arguments with the parents start: “Why can’t I go out tonight? All my friends are going!”

And there are the mood swings and the fluctuating eating habits. If the phone doesn’t ring, then it’s a case of “I don’t feel like eating.” Then there is dishonesty... unable to tell her parents where she really wants to go, she makes the excuse of having to go to the library to study for tomorrow’s test.

The ending of each relationship is most often marked by a long periods of torture, in which the girl has to “get over” the boy. Everyday life becomes a misery...her marks drop, daily moods start to depend on the current state of her relationship with the boy and many girls, totally misled by Shaitaan, even make dua for a “reconciliation.” During this period the girl is ravaged by guilt, because deep down in her heart, she is aware that what she has done is haraam, and she also feels guilty about lying to her parents. If there was a physical aspect to her relationship, then these feelings of guilt are deeply accentuated and coupled with a total loss of self-respect.

In the worst possible scenario, which frequently happens, the girl, in an effort to improve her “self image,” may turn to various other habits such as smoking, clubbing, drinking and drugs, or she may embark on a series of flings just to make herself feel “special” again.

In short, the “relationships” so sweetly portrayed in romance novels, which speak only of chocolates, flowers and happiness, end right there: on the pages of the novel. In real life, such relationships lead to nothing but unhappiness and heartache. For how can there be any real happiness in a “love” inspired by Shaitaan? This type of “love,” far from being pure and sacred, falls into the category of fornication.

Regarding fornication, Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’aan:

“The woman and man guilty of adultery of fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” [Surah An-Nur: 2]

How can there be any long term happiness in a sin for which the punishment prescribed is so severe? However, while keeping in mind the above injunction, we should also not despair of the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala... for we cannot even comprehend the vastness of Allah's Mercy.

We need to realise and to tell ourselves that there is only temporary satisfaction of the nafs in a pre-marital relationship, and we need to terminate any such relationship which we might be involved in, and sincerely make taubah (repentance) to Allah. As difficult as it might be to end such relationships, once we realise and acknowledge to ourselves that the novels to which we are exposed to from such an early age are totally based on a kafir (disbelieving) way of life, which appears to be very appealing from the outside, but which bears no contentment and no real happiness, it will Insha'Allah, be easy to do so.

In addition to painting a rosy picture of dating, these books also create a very wrong concept of what the ideal partner should be like. It is obvious that since they are kafir publications, there is no stress on piety, good akhlaaq, honesty and all the other qualities people should be searching for in a potential marriage partner. Instead these books promote superficial thinking, with all their emphasis on good looks, perfect 10 figures, star football players, flashy cars, etc.

Parents should closely monitor the reading material which their children bring home and should teach their children about the beauty of nikaah (marriage). We should realise, that while it is natural to be embarrassed to discuss such aspects of Islam with them, it is infinitely better for them that we impart the correct knowledge of an Islamic way of life to them, than to allow them to acquire the totally wrong concept of love from books, television, movies, and their friends and environment.

It should be explained to each teenager that the pre-marital relationships, the engagements, etc to which we attach such a great deal of importance in this world have nothing but a negative bearing on our lives in the aakhirah (hereafter). It should be time and time again instilled into their minds that pre-marital relationships are a sin, while nikaah is an ibaadah (worship).

Allah Ta’ala has created men and women with natural desires, and He has created nikaah as an institution in which these desires maybe fulfilled. A nikaah in which both, husband and wife are striving to fulfill their obligations to Allah Ta’ala, such a nikaah will be filled with the mutual respect, love and inevitably, the contentment, which we hopelessly search for in pre-marital relationships. Within the sacred context of a nikaah, in which both parties are obedient to Allah Ta’ala, and adhere to His Commandments, there can be no room for the loss of respect, feelings of degradation, etc. which goes hand-in-hand with “going out” with or “dating” someone.

We should always bear in mind that should we die in the company of a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even a fiancé, we will be leaving this world having spent our last few moments of this life in the company of a non-Mahram, and perhaps in the commission of a sin against Allah and against ourselves.

[iLoveAllah]

Debunking the “Pretty Woman” Myth: How Romance Novels and Films Delude Youth



In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Beneficient

Someone needs to tell it like it is. When that someone has experienced ups and downs of marriage and also heard the hidden details about the lows in a few others’ marriages, one needs to really be brutally honest about it!

First, Pretty Woman. I remember hearing about this absolutely “breath-takingly romantic blockbuster” back at school, when I was a mere twelve-year-old. Girls were swooning over how supposedly “wonderful” the story was.

They were gushing about the beautiful protagonist and the wonderfully romantic storyline in which she was “rescued” from a life of poverty by a dashing, handsome, and filthy-rich “Prince Charming”, who rode into her life ‘on a white horse’, so to speak, and saved her from the clutches of a wretched existence of female objectification.

He ‘rescued her’ when he inadvertently “bought her” off the street for $100 dollars for the night. It was the expensive car he was driving that caught her attention – a Lotus Esprit. Basically, half an hour into the film, the more level-headed, nonchalant viewer gets to see the power of materialism and the behavior of people in response to status symbols and amount of money that they see others possess. Deep, eh?

But then, few 12-year-old girls have the maturity to be able to discern. They’re too busy swooning over the red designer dress and of course, the red ruby necklace.

The male lead buys her for a night, but later propositions her with more money to stay for longer – in a plush hotel penthouse. She becomes his on-display “trophy” for a week – being paraded around as his arm-candy escort in the hotel and at several corporate and social events, which he reportedly always attends with one his “girls”. He lavishes her with designer clothes, which she – of course – buys off Rodeo Drive – one of the most expensive strips of boutiques in America.

The perfect “romance” that naive twelve-year-old girls should fantasize about…eh?

You can perhaps not completely blame them when they consequently daydream about a handsome rich man who will later drive into their own life in a Lotus Esprit, house them in a luxury penthouse, and buy them as many expensive designer clothes as they wish.

However, when you see adult girls who have studied the Quran and who are trying to practice the obligations of Islam in their lives totally flip out and go nuts over such fantastical, degrading-towards-women hogwash, you really need not bite your tongue too hard – in my opinion – in order to dish out some sincerity to knock sense into them.

I feel like screaming, “Wake up! This is not what real life is like at all!” whenever I see an otherwise perfectly wise, mature and sane young woman turn into a teary-eyed mass of mush after watching any such fantasy-based, desire-provoking romance film.

Its not just this film that has wrought havoc in the minds of youngsters who were mushrooming into young adulthood in the nineties. It could also be any one of the passionate “lovers’ characters” that a certain Mr Khan likes to portray on another, geographically closer big-screen; a money-minting film industry, in which he gazes intensely into the eyes of the object of his affection, fights back fake tears in his blood-shot eyes, and professes to her in a husky, lustful voice how he will always pursue her until she becomes his.

Scenes and dialogues such as these make most young women who tend to carry their hearts on their sleeves, “melt inside” and gush loud “Aww’s” as they watch these films on screen whilst huddled together under blankets in darkened rooms with bowls of popcorn or slices of pizza, in order to temporarily escape from the real, “harsh”, practical-problems-filled world into a realm of believably concocted, sappy, cheesy and cliched “BS” (excuse the language, please).

When these on-screen “Prince Charming’s” are paid millions as “actors”, given verbal accolades, and granted annual awards for their top-notch acting (read: lying) skills, these immature girls still refuse to wake up and snap out of their daydreams into reality.

“Oh, when will someone like this come into my life and say such things to me?”

The problem starts when the said young ladies enter their twenties and actually expect such a handsome hunk to walk into their homes with a diamond ring, a bouquet of red roses, and a proposal to suavely ask for their hand in marriage. Not just that, they want him to also have the picture-perfect family, educational background, job with a fat paycheck, flashy car (remember the Lotus Esprit? In Pakistan, a BMW, Mercedes, or Prado would suffice in its stead) and an intelligent, charming personality to boot. He should dress like a movie star and say the right things (sentimental dialogues real men are not very good at) to them in the right tone, at the right time. And he should fall in love with them at first sight.

Who can be blamed then, when years pass and no such man appears at their door? Should we blame the money-minting film producers and screenplay writers for making films and writing story lines that spin fantastical but utterly gratifying yarns of lies in the form of loophole-filled, cliched romantic plots that fuel the youths’ already raging desires, especially with their idiotic and predictable “and-they-lived-happily-ever-after” endings? – youngsters who are willing to pay whatever price the media demands to see or read these realistic-sounding fabrications of romance in print and on screen?

Or should we blame these youngsters themselves, for having little control over their fantasies, much less their carnal desires, and for wanting to desperately believe the nonsense dished out by eager-to-please media? Really, who is to blame for being brainwashed?

Smack.

Yes, that is how it feels for a youngster nowadays – guy or girl – when they find out that in Islam, talking to, being friends with, and even looking admiringly at a member of the opposite sex, is absolutely impermissible (haram). It feels like someone smacked them hard on their face when they discover this “harsh” truth.

They are aghast to know that the religion they were born into has no concept of dating, friendship or serious, long-term, romantic inter-gender relationships, even those that are started with the so-called “pious” intention of ultimately getting married. They find this absolutely impossible to digest, and hard to believe. They therefore choose to ignore these injunctions and hence, practice little restraint when dealing with young people of the opposite gender at their school, college, workplace or in extended family gatherings. Result?

They get hurt. Repeatedly.

Relentless, however, they continue to employ escapism (over slices of pizza or bowls of popcorn) from harsh realities of life by periodically retreating into darkened theaters or rooms with surround-sound-systems to make the fantasy being played out on screen as realistic and believable to their minds as possible.

Sadly, the mental picture most girls have of the real, “ideal husband” today, is not that of an average-joe with a beard who is shy and inhibited around them before their nikah; who stands in devout congregational prayers at the masjid, recites and acts upon the Quran, and lowers his gaze around – keeping a respectful distance from – hot, attractive “Pretty Women” on the street.

The ideal husband for them, instead, has the dashing charisma and conversational skills of the hunk they see (read: swoon over) on screen; the gaze of a lustful lover who has just spotted his next young and physically desirable object of pursuit, and the vocal finesse that renders him always ready with the right answer to the indomitable question of “What do women want?”

Readers, I give you Exhibit A:



Characteristics:

1.Possesses the dress sense of a movie star: wears expensive, branded colognes, shoes, clothes and hair products.
2.Has innumerable friends of both genders.
3.Has an affinity for talking to his friends (including hordes of young lovelies) on his pricey smartphone.
4.Has girls and women swoon over his looks and persona where ever he goes; like bees to honey, they swarm around him as he replies suavely to each of their flirtatious greetings and jibes.
5.Drives an expensive car – his father’s, employer’s or the bank’s.

Ten years after marrying the girl whom he dated for years, with their official betrothal followed by a “magical”engagement phase that played out in their lives “just like the movies”, here is the same Exhibit A:

1.Slops around all day in his pajamas when at home, watching films, television or playing video games.
2.Doesn’t lift a finger to help his wife around the house, until she screams at him and throws a fit. He then gets up, throws a bigger fit, dresses up and storms out of the house to hit the gym or to ‘chillax’ with his friends. Comes back home very late after his wife and children have fallen asleep, possibly reeking of smoke and/or alcohol.
3.Calls his minor children and often, his wife, fancy English cuss words when he gets angry.
4.Prays Eid prayers and jum’uah in the masjid only……the latter only when he’s not having lunch at an expensive restaurant with his colleagues.
5.Discusses his wife mockingly with his friends behind her back – avoids answering the phone when she calls repeatedly. Sometimes he gives her special “nicknames” when hanging with friends e.g. psycho, pain, etc.
6.Criticizes her figure as he openly compares her to the diva dancing to the latest hit song in his favorite Bollywood blockbuster, which he watches every day on screen or on his phone.
7.Gets very dismayed when she starts praying regularly and/or starts hijab. Warns her never to “go all weird” on him by even thinking of starting niqab.
8.Forbids her to go out with her friends too often – male friends are a big no-no. Keeps an eye on her whereabouts and who she is hanging out with.
9.Encourages her to wear stylish, expensive clothes, especially in front of his friends.
10.Deals in riba - especially for acquiring loans to get the fancy big house and the snazzy car.
11.Turns into a syrupy, sweet-talking epitome of politeness when interacting with non-mahrum women – did I mention he still has those innumerable close friends of the opposite gender?

And now, readers, I present to you Exhibit B:



Characteristics:

1.A shy, demure and timid young man earnest in the pursuit of knowledge of Islam and its practice in his life.
2.Very active at the masjid. Avoids partying with the opposite gender, listening to music, and watching television or films (except perhaps sports).
3.Inhibited to the extent of being awkward around his fiance before their nikah, but extra respectful towards elders.
4.Wears simple but clean clothes. Might reek of oudh on Fridays.
5.Highly likely to be called a loser – in addition to other, more demeaning and not-so-nice words – by the more secular-minded crowd.
6.Never shouts at his mother or sister(s).
7.Has no close female friends, because women don’t know he exists. Even if they did, he wouldn’t welcome their friendship.

Ten years after marrying the girl he found through his parents or other “halal” means, here is Exhibit B as a husband:

1.Prefers playing with his children (numbering anywhere between 2 and 5) over hanging out with his friends.
2.Helps his wife out with the housework without being asked.
3.Does not expect her to serve him like a valet.
4.Maintains a balance between work, family and masjid.
5.Lives in a 2- or 3- bedroom apartment and drives a small car because of the emphasis on avoiding loans, luxuries and extravagance.
6.Earns money only through means free of riba. Avoids working where there is too much free mixing with women.
7.Never shouts at, abuses or criticizes his wife.
8.Remains calm and silent when his wife blows her lid. Immediately tries to appease her by bringing her flowers, a dessert she loves, or offers to take her out somewhere so that she can de-stress.
9.Did I mention that at times, he also tries to apologize just to restore normalcy, even if he is not at fault?
10.He calls up his parents and wife to ask how they are. Not vice versa.
11.Babysits the children often so that she can have her “me time” viz. go have coffee with a friend, take a long bath, attend a ladies’ party, or catch up on sleep.
12.Gets tight-lipped, aloof and angry only when Allah’s limits or laws are violated.

So which one is it going to be, ladies?

Do you want the delusive, fair-seeming mirage, or the sweet-tasting but down-played reality?

Do you want the euphoric but temporary pleasure of lust and amore, or the more subtle but permanent love and companionship that is independent of youth and physical attributes, yet spans decades?

Do you want the kind of guy who will give you the giddy but short-lived haram relationship, or the one who will give you the most phenomenally rewarding and long-term, halal one?

Wake up, girl! Do you really want to be the hottie that catches the eye of guys driving by in Lotus Esprits, or do you want to be the preserved gem – whose earnest prayers can change the decree of your Benevolent Creator – to find you the man who will treat you with the romantic love, kindness and respect that you deserve?

O wannabe “Vivienne”, you deserve much more than $100 dollars a night in a fancy hotel penthouse! I seek refuge with Allah SWT!

Strive to become the jewel that will make you deserve a palace of pearls in the middle of Al-Firdaus - the best place to dwell in, with the man who loves you unconditionally, under the shade of the throne of the One Who loves you both, for eternity.

Source:
sadaffarooqi.com/

[iLoveAllah]

Haya: Showcasing the Shyness of a Shepherdess

Wondering how a Muslim woman, who observes full hijab, should behave in front of non-mahrum?

Link:

muslimmatters.org/2010/04/28/haya-showcasing-the-shyness-of-a-shepherdess/

The ayahs referred are from Surah Qassas:

23. And when he arrived at the water of Madyan (Midian) he found there a group of men watering (their flocks), and besides them he found two women who were keeping back (their flocks). He said: "What is the matter with you?" They said: "We cannot water (our flocks) until the shepherds take (their flocks). And our father is a very old man."

24. So he watered (their flocks) for them, then he turned back to shade, and said: "My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!"

25. Then there came to him one of the two women, walking shyly. She said: "Verily, my father calls you that he may reward you for having watered (our flocks) for us." So when he came to him and narrated the story, he said: "Fear you not. You have escaped from the people who are Zalimun (polytheists, disbelievers, and wrong-doers)."

26. And said one of them (the two women): "O my father! Hire him! Verily, the best of men for you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy."

27. He said: "I intend to wed one of these two daughters of mine to you, on condition that you serve me for eight years, but if you complete ten years, it will be (a favour) from you. But I intend not to place you under a difficulty. If Allah will, you will find me one of the righteous."

28. He [Musa (Moses)] said: "That (is settled) between me and you whichever of the two terms I fulfill, there will be no injustice to me, and Allah is Surety over what we say."

Lessons for us in Haya:

There are several points to glean from the above narrative for our own actions:

1- The two women strove to prevent their sheep from mingling with those of the other shepherds. They were ready to wait, adding to their already difficult task of herding the sheep (a job usually performed by men), so that they would have more privacy and ease whilst watering their sheep. What other reason could there be for their waiting? This shows to us modern-day Muslim women that places in which crowds of men are found thronging to get to something, should be avoided until there comes a lull, in which we can achieve our objective without fear of being touched/shoved/pushed within the crowd of men.

2 - The women had the confidence of speaking to a non-mahrum man when he asked them a question about their situation. This shows us that when the need arises, women should possess the self-confidence to speak to a non-mahrum in a business-like, dignified manner. As was the case with our mother A’ishah in the incident of Ifk, there can be times when a lone woman needs the help of a non-mahrum man to get her to safety. At such times, Muslim women, even if they are unmarried and shy, should possess the skill needed to communicate confidently with a man.

3 - Neither of the women endeavored to stick around to talk to Musa after he did them a favor that saved them a lot of trouble and time. Rather, just as he shied away from them, and returned to the tree’s shade without asking for any compensation, they also likewise hurried back home to their father, after the errand for which he had sent them was done. This is a vital point to be noted, especially for the single youth of today: even in situations when you need to interact with members of the opposite gender to get help with something, you should not hang around chit-chatting or flirting after the favor has been done. You should also not expect or demand any compensation in return.

4 - As the shyness of both the old man’s daughters and Prophet Musa (all three of whom were single) shows, haya entails that we minimize any unnecessary communication with the opposite sex, even in situations when we are thrown together out of necessity, and are unsupervised by elders or mahrums.

5 - For Muslim women, this incident shows that returning home after outdoor errands have been done, is something they should hurry in doing. Loitering around in public places without necessity goes against another Quranic command that was sent down by Allah, when addressing the wives of the Prophet Muhammad pbuh:

"And stay quietly in your homes…” [33:33]

6 - When the time came for Prophet Musa A.S. to be summoned to the two women’s father, the daughter who was sent to ask him to come walked with shyness towards Musa. The words imply that her gait and demeanor when walking towards a strange, lone man sitting under a tree was one “seeking haya.” The Arabic Grammar words based on the structure of the word imply the action of “seeking” in their meaning. E.g. istighfaar means seeking forgiveness. So her manner of approaching Musa was such that she sought haya. This proves that when the need arises, a woman can become an intermediary between men, especially for a noble/good cause, but she should seek the maximum possible haya when she appears before a man who is not her mahrum, particularly if they both are single, young adults.

7 - This daughter also gave her advice to her father after Prophet Musa finished telling his story. It was a fact that their family needed a ‘manager’ to do the outdoor work, as the father was weak due to old age. She saw an opportunity to do a good deed too i.e. provide Musa with a livelihood and shelter, as his story had revealed that he was, at that point in his life, on the run and homeless. This shows us that despite being shy, women can, and should, give their opinions to the mahrums in their house, when major decisions are being made. She recounted her observation of Musa’s physical strength and his trustworthiness which became apparent by his handling their sheep well. Furthermore, her father took her counsel and accepted her testimony. Haya therefore, does not necessitate complete silence before non-mahrums, especially with a woman’s mahrum in the same room. It should also not become a barrier in the sharing of knowledge, in consultation and decision-making, or when negotiating the terms of a contract. Haya should, by no means, negate self-confidence and elocution.

It is thus beautifully apparent that, when Allah narrates a story in the Quran, it is not just for mere transmission of information or of facts related to events that took place in history. Just like the parables He puts forth for us to ponder on, His recounting of historic events in the Quran involving people gone by, hold valuable and insightful lessons for us to benefit from and apply in our day-to-day lives. Each and every word, line of dialogue, detail, or physical description that our Creator has recorded in His Glorious Book is meaningful and important.

However, He opens up the wonderful secrets and innate lessons of the Quran only for those who reflect:

(This is) a Scripture that We have revealed unto you, full of blessing, that they may ponder its revelations, and that men of understanding may reflect.” [38:29]

[iloveislam]

‘Romantic’ Relationships, Marriage Proposals and Dreams of Destiny



“I don’t know where to start….I don’t know how it happened. Everything looked so good, like it would work out perfectly. I never intended to hurt anyone.”

If there is one thing I wish I could make the single youth of today understand and understand well, it would be the phenomenal and chasmic difference between a premarital relationship with a member of the opposite gender, a wedding and a marriage.

If only there was some way I could make them see how each of these three things is unique and, although very closely connected with the rest, entirely independent and exclusive in its own existence.

However, I know that there is just a single, one-way method to finding the secret difference between these three, and that is the hard, tough, lesson-infested route of practical experience gained by actually living life.

Talking about the tricky realm of how to deal with non-mahrums and what limits to observe with one’s interaction with them is a very difficult topic to address today, particularly in front of Muslim youth.

You see, youth is that time when a person dreams and fantasizes about finding romantic love with someone of the opposite gender, which, according to their desires, should undoubtedly blossom into compassionate mutual understanding and intellectual compatibility riddled with just the right “pepper” of sexual attraction.

They then desire for this “cloud-nine, breath-takingly ‘high’ experience” to smoothly lead to the eventual seal on the “relationship”: a meeting of both sets of parents.

Of course, both pairs of parents should automatically hit it off at the first meeting and grant their approval to the union without any arguments, apprehensions, second thoughts, ifs or buts.

And then, voila, the planning of the perfect wedding ceremony amid excitement, giggles and extravagant, “We-will-leave-no-wishes-of-our-prince(ss)-unfulfilled-in-giving-her-the-dream-wedding-that-s/he-has-hoped-for” assertions form the next chain of events in this perfectly harmonious and fantastical tale of make-believe that takes place in the minds of most young, hopeful single people who want a happy marital future for themselves.

The more religiously-oriented (for lack of a more colloquial description) youths do manage to slip in a few istikharah’s somewhere along the way, but then confusedly dabble in dream interpretation and misread emotions henceforth while they struggle to recognize and decipher any divine signs of “go-ahead” for their marriage sent from up above.

This mental dreaming process is completely natural, and it starts very early. For girls, it might start during teenage or even before, and with boys, it is most probably well-set in motion by the time they’re in their twenties.

The fact is, very few singles today are pragmatic and realistic, with their feet firmly planted on the ground. Fewer still, are fortunate enough to enjoy a very close, passionate, love-and-sacrifice-based relationship with Allah, willing to practice His limits without questioning their wisdom, applicability or feasibility, without complaining when they seem too tough to adhere to in today’s modern times.

What happens when their mind starts playing these games with them during those youthful years of their lives in which their hearts throb with yearning for marital bliss is that they, for the sake of Allah, determinedly practice immense patience – most prominently in the face of scathing social marginalization, antagonism from world-wise and worried elders, and accusations of being weird and “extremist” from their secular-minded friends and peers.

They practice sabr; by quelling their sexual desires through the means ordained by Allah in Islam: lowering/guarding the gaze, in public as well as in private, avoiding mixing during social gatherings as well casual intermingling with members of the opposite gender elsewhere: whether at the campus, the office, at home e.g. when cousins or relatives come over for a parents-approved bash and ‘harmless’ fun, or in the ever-rampant online social media channels that bring pictures, blogs, comments, emails, videos and other kinds of instant messages right onto their palms through their iphones, Blackberrys, androids or HTCs.

There’s no doubt about it: the trial of temptation for the youth today, in the form of premarital relationships, is a very, very tough one. Shaitan – our avowed enemy – who swore to our Creator that he would come at us from four directions to mislead us – is keen on attacking the single youth through a double-strategied ploy: using their raging hormones and unsatisfied bodily desires, coupled with their naivete and lack of experience in life, to delude them about relationships with the opposite gender via a plethora of sugar-coated, fair-seeming, supposedly harmless “traps”:

1.“Stop being such a pervert. We are just friends. A girl and a guy can have a platonic friendship! So what if we sit somewhere and talk for hours? He is my buddy.”
2.“What’s wrong with helping him/her when s/he is in need of advice? I am doing a good deed by counseling him/her through this crisis.”
3.“You can forget about getting good marriage proposals if you cover your face. A girl’s face is the primary magnet for proposals from good, well-established families with decent, well-earning boys. Beauty is the main factor guys pursue.”
4.“I want to know the guy really well to see what he is really like before saying “yes” to the proposal. How can I marry an absolute stranger? What if we turn out to be totally incompatible? I will talk to him on the phone for a few weeks and get to know him first.”
5.“What do you mean you cannot shake your cousin’s hand when he greets you? Are you crazy? You’re turning into an old maid! Stop being such a self-righteous _______ [*bleep*]!”
6.“If I can talk to my female colleagues and cousins without anyone objecting, I can talk to my fiance, too. Besides, our nikah is in just 2 months. Its like we’re already married. Just the thought of not talking to her depresses me.”


You see, according to the Quran, when a man and woman marry each other, they become “fortified”, especially the woman. This is proved by the fact that the Quran calls married women – the fortified or protected women, and the men who marry them – those seeking marriage for fortifying or protecting the woman long-term i.e. not intending to use her body temporarily just for (permissible) conjugation only to eventually dump her through divorce. In both these words, the root word is the same, which means “fortress”.

The reason why marriage is a “protection” or “fortress” for a Muslim is, because it allows him or her to fulfill their sexual desires in a permissible and beautiful manner. Hence, once their bodily needs are satisfied, they are more likely to function productively in society without being “distracted” by members of the opposite gender, provided they still observe Allah’s limits in their social interactions.

Going back about 10 to 12 years in time, I can vouch for the fact that the trial of staying away from forbidden relationships for someone who is single, is an extremely tough one. Peer pressure and even social pressure from elders nowadays pushes young people to be no-holds-barred “confident” (read “immodest”) and proactively bubbly and charismatic (read “flirtatious”) in their social interactions with everyone.

Hence, even among so-called conservative and decent families today, the youth are pushed to not hold back or observe any limits, either at work or at play (parties); to dress as they want and exude charisma; to have the perfect bodies and the branded apparel to show off these gym-toned bodies; to leave no stone unturned in getting into the right college or in the right job at the right company, come what may.

Statements from young “fundo’s” then, such as “I do not want to attend a coeducational university because of the fitnah involved”, or “I do not want to work in an office that employs numerous scantily dressed women”, or “I want to marry at 20; cause eyes to widen, jaws to drop and minds of elders to be utterly scandalized and appalled; these requests from their offspring are then immediately rejected in totality as confidence-undermining, career-jostling, ‘extremist’, pseudo-religious idiocy bordering on lunacy.

[iLoveAllah]

Pre- and extra-marital relationships embody illusions that cause nothing but pain



The heart is the seat of desires. If one becomes slave to their desires, the result is nothing but chronic disappointment, distress and anguish.

The generations in the past hundred years have grown up on a steady diet of illusory love songs, romance novels and cheesy films with unbelievably happy endings. Guy and girl meet, feel the vibes of attraction, spend time together, perhaps even commit passionate, spur-of-the-moment adultery (i seek refuge with Allah SWT), then proceed to throw caution to the winds, listen to their hearts, follow their desires, clobber their opponents, break all taboos, pursue their dreams, blah blah….(you can insert any typical, cheese-coated cliches here), to ride/run off into the horizon holding hands as the world looks on in shock and the film credits roll.

What these stories, which are cooked up by writers and brought to us by media, do, is that they play around with our youthful desires and make us dream about such a Utopian romance even more.

Consequently, when real life slaps us in the face, we feel shattered, helpless and broken inside.

A case of Bisma and Bilal

Take the case of “Bisma” and “Bilal” (not their real names). They belonged to different ethnic and religious communities (I hope you’ll understand what I mean here). Despite knowing (the expected repercussions of) that, they started spending more and more time together on campus. Eventually, Bilal told her about his feelings for her and very soon after that, she told him that she felt the same way. They continued to meet without letting their parents know of their relationship, which had now been ‘sealed’ or made “official” by their declarations of (so-called) “love”.

Eventually, Bisma started going out with him on dates to cafes and restaurants from campus, without her parents knowledge. Here I’d like to point out that even though neither prayed salah (note to the “stop-judging-them-you-self-righteous-fundo!” police: please don’t start clawing me just yet for saying this, I will explain below why I mentioned this point), they both had noble intentions – of getting married.

She had previously claimed that she would never go out on dates as it was “wrong” in her eyes and an action that her “conservative” family would never approve of; however, she eventually slipped. His lustful stares, flattering compliments about her looks, and heart-melting, persevering proclamations of love for her made her finally relent.

Big chunks of cheese – I know. But its this cheese most girls go for.

Lapping up paperback after paperback of Mills-&-Boon-type nonsense that sets their hearts aflutter and imagination running wild, one can only wonder what effect actual expressions of romantic feelings and husky-voiced, mushy dialogue would have on them!

Anyway, what happened next is no surprise: they started getting physical, albeit staying well away from adultery.

Bisma started ignoring her friends because Mr Whats-his-name was very possessive and a tad controlling; he’d go into a rage if she even so much as went out anywhere with her classmates, both guys and girls, without inviting him there too. He, of course, could go out anywhere he wanted with his numerous girl and guy buddies. Double standards all the way, but the glittery stars in Bisma’s eyes seemed to blind her to the glaring reality and the truth.

Despite repeated hints that eventually became outright requests from Bisma to him, he refused to tell his parents about their relationship, even though he now had a job, was over 21 in age, and earning a steady income.

As is the case in most such relationships, the cover was eventually blown when Bisma received a proposal that her parents didn’t want to turn down. It was only then that Mr Whats-his-name Bilal rushed to do some desperate damage control by asking his mother to call up Bisma’s mother with a marriage proposal, but it was too late. The other guy who was proposing came from an extremely wealthy family, and that clinched the deal for Bisma’s parents.

A slap from her father, a family confrontation, an argument, incessant tears, grief, sorrow – everything that could be expected from such a situation – followed. Grounded from talking to anyone on the phone and from going out anywhere, except college, she would cry at the drop of a hat – for hours.

I remember how appalled I was, though, when I once heard her say tearfully, “Why did God do this to me? Why did he show me what true love is like, only to take it all away?”

*Cough*

Uh, since when does “God” show us what this so-called “true love” is like? Has He not disallowed us from getting into such relationships? Any average Muslim knows that. Or is this a wrong belief on my part?

Plus, as I keep telling single ladies who ask me for advice, if he really “loves” you – really – as he claims to, he will try to marry you as soon as possible. Even if he is not working, even if he has older unmarried sibling(s), and even if he is from a different community. He will not wait around until the final bell to get up as a last resort and do something to marry you.

Plus, if a child is already getting his candy from the candy machine for free, why will he endeavor to pay for it? Eh? Get what I mean?

Even if all of mankind, collectively, stopped praying salah and deliberately disobeyed all of Allah’s commands, we could still not dare to “blame” God by attributing lies such as, “Why did He do this to me?”, to Him.

We disobey His commands first, refuse to prostrate before Him when He calls us five times a day, follow our desires, do things that He has forbidden, and then when we get hurt – extremely, horribly, terribly hurt – as a result of our transgressions of His limits, we dare to turn around and say that He did this to us?

Bisma got engaged to the new Mr Whats-his-name even though she had love for another man still throbbing in her heart. With her parents’ full permission, she started talking to her fiance every day on the phone and going out with him on dates.

Within a few months, she had forgotten about Bilal and was in love with her fiance and – I seek refuge from Allah – had already started being physical with him too, when they went out at night in his car or when he made out with her in the drawing room of her parents’ house, the door to which was kept shut during his visits by her parents themselves. Her mother counseled her a lot during this phase of “switching” her unsuitable “lover” with another, family-approved one, urging her to bond with her fiance in order to forget her ex-boyfriend.

Bisma and Bilal are among hundreds of thousands of single people who got badly hurt because they ventured into the trappings of an illusive, transitory romantic relationship that, though it gave temporary joy to their hearts because of the exhilarative fulfillment of their base desires, nevertheless left deep marks of regret and pain etched firmly in their psyche, emotions and life history.

How often do you see middle-aged or elderly people express regret over their past escapades and liaisons? How often do parents fret that their sons and daughters will tread the same path that they themselves traversed as careless youths; actions that they sorely regret even decades after the flower of their youth has faded and drooped?

Today, Bisma and Bilal are happily married to their spouses. Incidentally, they knew the people who are now their spouses even when they were involved with each other. If marriage to these other two people was decreed for them already, perhaps all the pain could have been avoided by not allowing themselves to get lured into a pre-marital relationship at all?

More importantly, Allah’s disobedience and transgression of His limits would also have been avoided – if only more caution was practiced – and the mutual attraction that got stirred when they casually hung out together, was quelled from the start?

[iLoveAllah]

Where does it say in the Quran that a man and woman cannot be close friends?

The Quran has clear evidence that forbids both Muslim men and women from being involved in any kind of friendship or relationship with each other outside marriage. Below is a portion from a verse taken from Surah Al-Nisaa, in which Allah discusses the kind of women Muslim men should seek in marriage. Here is how he has described the women men should seek for marriage:

“…(the women) should be chaste, not lustful, nor taking paramours..”

[Al-Quran - 4:25]

Tafsir Ibn Kathir says about this part of the verse above: ”Allah’s statement, Muhsanaat (they should be chaste) means, they are honorable women who do not commit adultery, and this is why Allah said, gayra musafihaat (“not fornicating women”) referring to dishonorable women, who do not refrain from illicit sexual relations with those who ask.

Ibn `Abbas said that the fornicating women are the whores who do not object to having relations with whomever seeks it, while, wa la muttakhizati akhdaan (“nor promiscuous”) refers to taking boyfriends.

Similar was said by Abu Hurayrah, Mujahid, Ash-Sha`bi, Ad-Dahhak, `Ata’ Al-Khurasani, Yahya bin Abi Kathir, Muqatil bin Hayyan and As-Suddi.”

End quote Tafsir.com.

Another verse in the Quran, which occurs early in Surah Al-Ma’idah, describes a similar chaste character that Muslim men should possess when seeking a wife.

I must add that this verse of the Quran, below, quite blatantly clobbers the double standards that exist in most Muslim societies nowadays, in which young guys are excused by societal mores from being promiscuous and having girlfriends, and only girls are forbidden from even stepping out of their homes, lest they “fall into sin”:

“…and (that you men) desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret paramours..”

[Al-Quran - 5:5]

The above verse discusses the issue of Muslim men seeking marriage. Without going through the whole tafsir of the verse (which I encourage you to do in order to ensure that I have not quoted anything out of context) I have just taken out that part of it that explicitly and completely forbids men from marrying just for the sake of legal sexual intercourse, and also forbids them from having liaisons with any women outside marriage.

Tafsir Ibn Kathir states about this part of the verse above: “And just as women must be chaste and avoid illegal sexual activity, such is (also) the case with men, who must also be chaste and honorable.

Therefore, Allah said – ÛóíúÑó ãõÓóÇÝöÍöíäó – (… “not illegal sexual intercourse“) as adulterous people do, those who do not avoid sin, nor reject adultery with whomever offers it to them. æóáÇó ãõÊóøÎöÐöì ÃóÎúÏóÇäò (… “nor taking them as girl-friends (lovers)”) meaning: those who have mistresses and girlfriends..”

End quote Tafsir.com.

I think its worth pointing out how Allah has, in both the above verses, mentioned the action of having affairs or taking lovers – muttakhizee akhdaan – separately from sexual intercourse, or musaafiheen. The word akhdaan is the plural of the word “khdn ”, which means “friend”.

We all know that these two actions: having casual inter-gender friendships (ÇóÎúÏóÇä), and committing adultery (ÓöÝóÇÍñ or ãõÓóÇÝóÍóÉñ), can be mutually exclusive, especially in Muslim culture. People in our local culture think nothing of having casual romantic relationships or buddy-type friendships with members of the opposite gender without actually committing fornication.

Many guys and men enjoy talking to women for hours on the phone, or use the Internet to have regular flings and flirtatious friendships, or are routinely involved in a ‘serious’ relationship with a girlfriend, or a fiance.

Just take a cursory look at the local DAWN Magazine’s Auntie Agni column as glaring proof of this sad trend. Even without formally proposing to a girl’s parents, nowadays a guy/man can still easily have a steady girlfriend with whom he goes out on dates (like Bisma and Bilal above), a liaison that is usually called a “committed relationship”. In fact, we can go so far as to say that, in local, urban, elite a.k.a ‘burger’ culture, only the pathetic losers do not have steady romantic partners.

All of these relationships, though they may not involve any sexual intercourse, nevertheless, are still totally impermissible in the light of the Quran – as I have shown above – because they fall into the category of “ãõÊóøÎöÐöì ÃóÎúÏóÇäò( muttakhizee akhdaan)”.

That is why, it is almost as if Allah, when mentioning the impermissibility of sexual intercourse outside marriage, goes on to clarify that even taking close friends from the opposite gender, or having non-adulterous love affairs, is absolutely forbidden.

[iLoveAllah]

If a young person prays daily salah diligently, its highly likely that they will be able to stay away from romantic relationships

Salah (prayer) restrains from shameful and unjust deeds; and remembrance of Allah is the greatest (thing in life), without doubt.” [Al-Quran - 29:45]

When I mentioned above that Bisma and Bilal were not regular in praying the five daily prayers, it was to highlight the fact that negligence in prayers opens the door to many vices and sins in a Muslim’s life. Salah is a protective barrier that stops a person from sinning. Not a hard-and-fast rule, but nevertheless, true for most.

When someone knows that they just prayed an obligatory salah, and will have do so again in a few hours, they will automatically feel ashamed to sit in a corner being all lovey-dovey with, or talk on the phone oozing oodles of mush with, a guy or girl they have feelings for. The shame they feel, also known as the praiseworthy (“ghiyarah”) that makes an Allah-conscious person stop before doing something wrong, will make their hearts sting sharply with guilt and regret, and their conscience won’t let them rest about what they are doing.

So, if you are young and single, I would sincerely advise you to make sure that you pray all your daily five salah prayers on time, slowly, un-rushed, with full concentration or khushoo', prolonging your bending (ruku') and your prostration (sujood).

For guys, I’d exhort that they strive – and strive really, really hard – to pray every obligatory prayer in congregation at the nearest masjid, even if everyone thinks they are bonkers and calls them a loser or a “maulvi” for it. Forget about them. Just do it!

[iLoveAllah]

Some facts about doing istikharah for marriage

The linguistic meaning of the Arabic word Istikhaara is to seek good, or khair. It is not supposed to be some sort of magical ritual that will result in an immediate epiphany that will make clear to you the route you should take, or the decision that you should make, overnight.

Rather, when you pray two units of prayer at any time of the day (it doesn’t have to be at night) and then invoke Allah with the prescribed du’a of istikhaara , you are actually asking Him to decree for you, between two options, the one that is better, for both your duniya and your Akhirah.

Whether you have received a proposal for marriage, or if you have someone of good character and lineage in mind as a prospective spouse for you, doing istikhaara ensures that you seek that outcome/result from Allah that is better for you.

Istikhaara is a du’a, plain and simple.

By doing it, you ask Allah to decide the matter for you Himself, by turning hearts and/or making events happen in such a way that things head forward either in favor of the union, or against it. And that is precisely what happens after an Istikhaara: either a proposal becomes finalized and a marriage takes place, or such a marital union is averted, for one reason or another.

Many young people who want to marry someone they like, lament how they have been doing Istikhaara for years, and even though both their parents know about their wanting to marry that particular person, nothing seems to work – the marriage proposal keeps facing unexpected hurdles, delays and problems.

Well, they should wake up and realize that their marital union with the person in question is probably not meant to be. If Allah shows us His signs subtly as well as openly, but we refuse to “see” and accept them, it is our own choice.

A Failed marriage, A failed istikhaara??

A failure of a marriage (or business or anything else) after doing Istikhara is not necessarily a result of transgressions nor an indication of ‘istikhara failure’ (as some say).

A lot of times we hear dejected people say, ‘But I did istikhara before this…’. This happens because we fail to realize the real purpose of the istikhara prayer and also as a result of mixing-up our ‘goals’ & the ‘means’ to achieve them. The real goal is reaching Allah & the means to that goal are various eg. marriage, business, etc. If we take marriage as the ‘goal’ & use Istikhara (i.e. use Allah) as the ‘means’, then it explains why we get disillusioned and disappointed at a divorce. We don’t see that marriage, just like all things in the dunya, is just a means to reach Allah.

Allah isn’t a means. He(SWT) is the end. Our focus is wrong. That’s why Istikhara dua acknowledges that only Allah knows best, and then asks Him to bring about what is best and take away what is not best. The focus of that dua is not that which we are asking for. The focus is what is best in this life and next. How many times have we seen that a divorce, or any setback in life brought someone closer to Allah? That is the answer to the Istikhara – success with Allah.

So if we pray for it (i.e. getting married or for the success of a marriage) and we don’t get it, perhaps Allah has chosen another means for us or perhaps through failure and pain, HE (SWT) has caused the means for our purification through sabr. Thus, ultimately bringing us to that end: Allah. It may be, as only Allah knows best, that had He given us that amazing spouse we made dua for or that perfect marriage, it would have made us heedless and therefore not achieve our end at all. This is how Istikhara works – according to HIS knowledge, wisdom and love. But we do not see that.

[iLoveAllah]

The role of elders, especially parents



A lot of times, when a young, single Muslim, who is passionate about the practice and propagation of Islam (da’wah) in life, desires marriage with a particular person of the opposite gender who holds similar religious views, whom they have met or heard about through other people – it is common for a conflict of interest to develop between them and their parents as a result of this choice.

Parents who are not as religious as their adult, single offspring can create a myriad of hurdles in the latter’s marriage process. The reasons for this are many, but primarily its because they, out of sincere love and concern for their children, tend to impose their preferences and beliefs regarding the perfect marriage formula on their reluctant adult sons or daughters.

Here are some examples of some of the most common of those hurdles:

1.“We will not marry into ______________ (insert name of any ethnic group, viz. Memon, Bihari, Hyderabadi, Balochi, Sindhi, Pathan, Punjabi, Urdu speaking, Lucknowi, Chinioti, etc. blah blah) because they are very _________________ (insert any broad-brushed generalization, such as miserly, quarrelsome, selfish, materialistic, non-forgiving, eccentric, dumb, greedy, etc. blah blah).”
2.“We will not marry outside the family.”
3.“We will not consider weird, extremist, and rigid religious families. Moderately religious families are welcome.”
4.“You have to do your Masters first. Don’t even think about marriage before then.”
5.“We will not consider proposals from abroad. Girls/boys raised in the West are very fast.”
6.“There has to be an age difference of 5 years, at least.”
7.“Our shahzada is so tall and fair. How could you suggest that stocky girl whose complexion is darker than his? Haye, do you want my grandchildren to turn out kaalay?”
8.“Their economic status is much higher than ours. What will people say? Do you want to be taunted about being a pauper all your life?”
9.“Five sisters?! Na baba na, my daughter won’t be able to handle FIVE wagging tongues filling her mother’s-in-law ears all the time.”
10.“He is 2 inches shorter than you! Kuch to socha hota….bewaqoof!”

Parents are the vital support system that enable a young Muslim person to get married. Making them relent in their views, especially if the latter are very staunch and etched in stone so to speak, can be an impossible task, one that can shatter a pious young man or woman when he or she has a perfectly agreeable proposal turned away for the most trivial and idiotic of reasons.

Hope, however, should never be lost. If the young person seeks Allah’s countenance and pleasure through good deeds, obeys all the obligations that Allah has endorsed upon them, and stays away from impermissible things (ãÍÑãÇÊ), beseeching Allah’s help through patience, perseverance and consistent supplication, time can always bring about a change for the better.

What is crucial is to not shout at, rebuke or be insulting towards elders, no matter what they do or say to you. Secondly, never stop connecting with Allah in order to get His help on your side. Thirdly, get some pious elder from the community to intercede on your behalf and advise your parents.

Finally, if all your efforts fail and you cannot marry that person you are so convinced is right for you — try to accept this decree as Allah’s will and the result of your sincere and constant ÇÓÊÎÇÑå.

At such a point, move on. Gulp down that lump in your throat, cry some, but then – move on.

Remember, the kid who keeps looking back at the small piece of average candy that his parents wouldn’t let him have, his eyes blinded by hot, gushing tears, his head not looking ahead in the direction in which his parents are leading him by the hand, will not be able to see, eat or enjoy the huge, luscious chocolate cake that they were saving just for him; because of which they refused him that average, low-quality candy that he so wanted to have.

His parents actually wanted him to have something better. But his stubborn fixation with, and regret at, the average thing that passed him by won’t let him see it.

Did it ever occur to you, that in your staunch conviction that Mr or Ms Perfect is the only one for you, you might be overseeing someone who is much, much better?

Did it ever occur to you that Allah didn’t give you the candy because he was saving a thousand-times-better chocolate cake for you?

[iLoveAllah]

Unexpected rejection



At times, after everything goes according to plan and a marriage proposal is finalized, much to everyone’s relief... something goes wrong.

The engaged couple is happy and excited; the parents are relieved to have fulfilled their duty towards their adult offspring, and excitedly start making preparations for the imminent wedding. An air of excitement pervades both homes.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, things begin to go awry. Either one of the bride- or groom-to-be undergoes an inexplicable attitude reversal and/or emotional change. They become unsure about going ahead with the wedding. Their initially inconsequential second thoughts and insecurities blossom into fears and major doubts about their impending marriage. Soon, they become more and more aloof, distant, and cold; rebuking their fiance angrily on the smallest of issues. Their in-laws-to-be suddenly appear to be lousy people, and after a few weeks of such behavior……yes, you guessed it: they break off the betrothal.

Shock, disbelief and denial abound on both sides. Hearts are broken; dreams are shattered and hopes crash. After a few days of attempting damage-control, the truth and finality of Allah’s decree sinks in. The dust finally settles with time; all is quiet, but one question lingers on in everyone’s minds:

“But why?”

Usually people say, “We did istikhaara before finalizing the proposal – many times! Then why did this happen?” The same things are said when an initially happy marriage dissolves and results in bitter divorce.

We, as mere humans with limited knowledge, question Allah’s decree because it doesn’t make sense to us why He could make us go through a process that seemed to be so right in the beginning, but which then became a sad, bitter and painful experience for us. We question Allah about why He started a seemingly happy process in our lives when He knew that it would end in pain. We wonder why our istikhaara came out right in the beginning if the end of the process was to be so disastrous and fruitless.

There is one thing to consider here. You need to be honest with yourself and think about something first:

Did you transgress any of Allah’s limits when going through that process?

E.g. a couple who are very happy with their engagement at first, might start talking to each other all the time via cell phone, emails and sms messages; perhaps even go out on a date – all of which are actions against the commands of Allah. (I am not going to quote any fatawa here because every authentic fatwa website is full of them. Every scholar and religious authority is unanimous about the fact that fiances should not converse freely with each other)

Within some time, Shaitan does his work on them and makes them dislike each other, because their increased familiarity and frankness might reveal some faults and shortcomings that could turn one or both of them off about the other being a suitable life partner/spouse.

This is something I have seen happen a lot to couples who are religiously inclined – who intend to marry each other for pleasing Allah, and hope to lead a marital life and raise a family according to Allah’s pleasure, by adhering to Islam in principle and deed.

For such couples, the traps of Shaitan vary from, say, the traps he lays out for those couples who have little or no knowledge of Islam and who do not practice the obligations of the religion.

The latter are easy prey for Shaitan – all he has to do is make them believe that the lustful, romantic love they feel during the engagement phase is actually the real thing. So he easily makes them blind to the harsh realities of life that lie ahead in their marriage, making them focus only on the sexual part, driving them crazy with lust about what is to come on their wedding night. That night is all they think about and look forward to.

It is the religious couples who are about to get married that require some harder work from Shaitan, our accursed, devious but intelligent enemy. He knows that if this couple were to get married, they’d fortify each other, help each other in Deen, become each other’s religious support in life, and raise children who will be strong, confident Muslims in the future. So he preys on them using a different, more subtle tactic.

He pounds them with doubts, fears, insecurities, and perhaps even succeeds in making them seem ugly, too rigid, too overweight, short, dark or in any way unseemly to each other. He whispers little-nothings into the ears of their parents, siblings and friends, who, playing the part of the unsuspectingly manipulated forces of Shaitan, go about saying a sentence here, a remark there; dropping snide comments off and on, and casting doubts in the minds of the engaged couple:

1.“What? He called you just twice throughout your trip? My fiance used to call me every day, even long distance. Are you sure he even likes you?”

2.“She is quite average-looking. There is nothing wrong with going for beauty, you know. Don’t you know that there is a hadith that confirms that a woman is married for her beauty?”

3.“If he is treating you so indifferently right now, he will be even less caring towards you after marriage. Love wanes after marriage, as it is. The engagement phase should make you feel like you’re on a high – on cloud nine; breathless and excited! So why are you so mopey?”

4.“She is quite extravagant in her spending. Are you sure you’ll be able to maintain her? I mean, wanting to splurge Rs 35,000 on makeup, just for one night?”

And so, dear readers, long engagements between religious or even not-so-religious people sometimes break, despite the best intentions on both sides. Shaitan succeeds in keeping two perfectly nice, eligible young Muslims still single and unhitched – unfortified and with unfulfilled sexual desires.

Outside the protective fortress of marriage, they continue to evade the blessings, comfort and happiness that rush forth when a man and woman unite through nikah – a sacred relationship that commences by taking Allah’s name – to live under one roof and become garments for each other.

Nay, the separated single Muslim couple now continue to move around lonely, miserable and confused in society — easy prey to Shaitan’s incessant traps.

Only this time, they erroneously lament their woes of still being single as “being the will of Allah”, when, in fact, it was they who fell for Shaitan’s enticements and succumbed to his false insinuations.

[iLoveAllah]

Marriage is not a joyride, but a bumpy road — it helps if your spouse fears Allah

Fact is, marriage is not a joyride in an amusement park. It has its good and bad days. The trials that follow after a marriage takes place require both husband and wife to be strongly connected to Allah, with complete trust (tawakkul) in Him, and to be ceaselessly loyal to each other – by becoming an ever-present, protective garment for their spouse, even when in front of their own parents.

The husband-wife relationship is the most prone to attacks by Shaitan because it forms the building block of society – the foundation on which the next generation of human beings are born and raised. If a marriage is flimsy and weak, the family unit won’t be far from collapse either.

Once this basic family unit dissolves, the naive, unsuspecting young children that emerge from it and disperse into society without parental guidance, are the easiest, unarmed prey for the armies of Shaitan to attack and destroy. And that is how he endeavors to mislead most of us – by constantly looking out for when he can give a blow to the strongest of Muslim marriages.

If you really want to enjoy a strong marital relationship in the future, one that is like a hard rock before the blows of the numerous devils from among the humans and jinns, remember that you need to do away with any fallacious ideas in your head about fleeting romantic relationships and flirtatious ‘friendships’ with members of the opposite gender outside/before marriage. You need to grow up and undergo a major reality-check that will firmly implant your itchy feet on the ground.

Youth fades with time. Friends who swore to stay by your side through thick and thin disappear from the horizon with the bawl of their first baby. Eventually, you are left alone, when your siblings, cousins, classmates and colleagues all become busy with their own spouses and children.

If you really want that dream home with the perfectly manicured garden, white picket fence (I know I’m being cheesy here), the family van and the fluffy pet cat – first do away with delusional dreams of unending romance and picture-perfect matrimony, and get real. Turn to Allah, obey Him in prosperity as well as in adversity, strive to earn through 100% halal means, and repent to Him sincerely for all those things that you think He might be angry with you about. Then watch the workings of His decree unfold almost miraculously before your eyes.

One of the best, most fullfing and deliriously happy moments one can experience in life, is when Allah decrees in your favor that which people around you swore would never happen.

Speaking from personal experience: I was a girl with a tightly-wrapped face who eschewed company of the opposite gender after repenting from the friendships of school and college life, then faced comments during the early twenties like, “Who will ever marry her?”

If you steadfastly continue to tread the path of Deen, eventually the whispered question becomes: “Who wouldn’t?”


All above posts, excluding the first- are courtesy of

sadaffarooqi.com

[imperfect beauty]

FALLING IN LOVE:



I was a typical teenager and believed in everything my friends did. I grew up reading magical fairytales that always had a handsome prince falling in love with a princess and carrying her off into the sunset to live happily ever after. I watched Snow White and Cinderella that all focused on “falling in love” and “having a good life.”
And I too grew up believing this is what life is all about. This is why we are here – to find the perfect soul mate and live happily ever after. I was addicted to reading novels that told me an exciting, romantic life was the essence of our existence, that spoke of gorgeous women, enticing dashing men before they zoomed away in their private yacht to an exotic island.


The songs I heard would tell me “love was waiting for me,” I would find it or die of a heartbreak in the process. How beautiful it all seemed. It would take me some time to come back into the real world that seemed mundane in comparison. Then too, I would keep thinking about some scene stuck in my mind from a book or a movie, “the way he looked into her eyes,” “the way she swirled in a breath-taking dress as she danced.” I wanted to be like that – to be beautiful and happy and madly in love. Every movie, every song, every cartoon and book led me to believe that “love is all around me” and “to live without love is not to have lived at all.”


Valentine’s Day would see all our friends discussing clandestine stories, gifts or cards or flowers from a secret admirer, declarations of long hidden love. Those who had no one would hope and wait for the next year. We all felt the compulsion to fall in love at least once – or face the prospect of having experienced nothing “exciting” in life. Most of us succumbed to this compulsion.


Well all this was until one day I woke up. Yes, I woke up and came out of the fake world around me to realize that reality was much more vivid and lasting than its celluloid version. The culture of romanticism that had captured our hearts and brains was a ploy to keep us away from reality.


Ironically, that too happened through a book. But it wasn’t like any book I had read before. It spoke in a way that made shivers run down my spine, made me cry as if my heart would break, as if the words were coming not from a book because they struck so deep within my soul. It was the Book of Allah, my Creator. It was more powerful than all the fantasies I had been fettered with. I broke free at last.
Today I dislike Valentine’s Day not just because it is an un-Islamic, innovated celebration – and a lewd one at that. But because it is part of the culture of lust that has betrayed us all. That created in our impressionable minds a false image, that drugged us with the sweetest drug of romanticism, and made us forget the real reason why we are here in this world.


Just like in the movies, a hero would be assigned the mission to save the world and would go to a planet on a mission to destroy the enemies and retrieve a precious life-saving potion. But the enemies have a deadly weapon – an illusion. They show him a beautiful place with the woman of his dreams and he goes into a stupor completely forgetting his mission. The planet is full of temptations and illusions that are projected according to his most coveted desires. He loses all track of time, even the fact that the world will be blown up any second and all that matters to him now will not exist anymore. Lost in an imaginary, transient world, he forgets his purpose and hence loses everything.

That’s exactly what our greatest enemy has done. He has duped our minds into thinking that the images we see on TV are real, the glamorous lifestyles of superstars are achievable, the Valentine’s Day hotspots are desirable, the romance in tear-jerker movies is the greatest and that we must have a huge amount of fun in this world because that is what will make us happy. While the clock ticks, Shaytan takes away our life before we can do anything productive with it. He has made us forget why we are here in this world and that our mission is like that of a space hero. What could be worse than that because it means we are losing the battle. We have laid down our arms and chose to watch “the reality show” while reality is passing us by.

That is why we are told of a future scenario in the Qur’an:

(The hypocrites) will call the believers: “Were we not with you?” The believers will reply: “Yes! But you led yourself into temptations, you looked forward for our destruction; you doubted (in Faith); and you were deceived by false desires, till the Command of Allah came to pass. And the chief deceiver (Satan) deceived you in respect of Allah. (Qur’an, 57:14)

I thank Allah that He gave me a husband who taught me the true meaning of love and caring for the sake of Allah. This kind of love transcends all boundaries of space and time and is truly everlasting as it continues even after death into the next life. There is no happily ever after yet, because we are still in this world of test and deception. –


By Amatullah Kareem
www.farhathashmi.com

[Mujaahid]

[Sauliha]

She asked her : why don’t you have a boyfriend ?!!

She replied with confidence : you tell me ,why would I have a bf ?!
I guess you have no answer for my question, but I have answers for yours :

First, I am a believer, I can’t do what displease my Creator, HE ordered me not to to take a bf so I should obey HIM.
Allah says in Qur’an: “nor those who take [secret] lovers."(surat Al-Nisa-25)

Second, I am a daughter of a man who raised me to be a chaste woman, I am a sister of a man who is proud of my purity, so I don’t want to disappoint them, and most of all I don’t want to disappoint a third man who is my future husband and the father of my children in shaa Allah, because I am preserving myself to him only
My mom raised me to be a righteous woman so that I deserve a righteous man she never raised me to be a toy in any boy’s hand, but she raised me to complete the Deen of a pious man.

Also, I am not an easy girl who would be impressed with sweet love words, but I am a proud Muslimah who is just like a pearl in its shell no one can touch it but a brave man who would value it and cherish its beauty...

Dear Muslimahs...Kno w your worth! and Be that One In Million who love to have the love of Their Lord than the love of a boyfriend!!!