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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 19:43:30 GMT 5
Zaynab Academy Online held a workshop on Anger Management on Sunday, 11th of September 2011.
Masha Allah it was a huge success, with over 100 people in attendance!
See below for an overview, I hope we can all benefit from this Insha Allah .~*~ Do you easily lose your temper with your parents/siblings/friends? Do you make rash decisions? Do you quickly become negative about others?In this two hour workshop we will look at anger control in the light of Qur’aan and Hadeeth. Discussions will revolve around causes of anger, its signs and symptoms and most importantly, active remedies that can be used in daily life to deal with it. Join us for tips and tricks to remain cool and in control during those red hot anger moments – the Sunnah way! Instructor: Ustaadhah Sameera Shah
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 20:01:03 GMT 5
Below are slides from the presentation, as well as short accompanying notes insha Allah. These are just an understanding of the listener, masha Allah to be there in the workshop was a whole different experience!First, we have to understand that in and of itself- anger is not necessarily a negative emotion.
In fact- it can be a positive one in certain cases!
POSITIVE EMOTION
One of the characteristics of a person with complete faith, as noted in hadith, is that the person has ghadhab for the sake of Allah SWT.
This is righteous anger: Getting angered for His Sake, in His name, when people go against Shariah and break Allah SWT's rules. Getting angry for the sake of defending human rights and for the sake of noble purposes-
Courage, too, a highly commended characteristic- is a combination of anger n fear, which is controlled and channeled. Seeing the example of Prophet SWS, we realize that the only time he got angry was for the sake of Allah SWT, when some one hurt the deen.
NEGATIVE EMOTION
Anger which is uncontrolled, unchanneled. Rage: to vent, shout- this type of anger does not lead to positive change.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 20:11:46 GMT 5
GHAYZH VS GHADB
Ghayzh- is human anger, but its an inside emotion. When you're not acting upon it, but the anger is builiding inside you. Either this anger is not manifested because you are in a weaker position or due to your doing sabr. Basically, ghayzh is anger which is not manifested- but is pent up.
Ghadb- when person feels it, they want to manifest, hurt, hit back.
Both of these words can be used for humans.
However, Allah SWT does not have 'pent up' anger- as He has the ability to manifest this anger. Oh Allah! We seek refuge in Your Mercy from Your Wrath! Ameen.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 20:14:04 GMT 5
So onto the diagnosis!
See if u have the signs n symptoms...
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 20:20:38 GMT 5
Basically u have to CONTROL your anger.
Learn how to work with it.. you are supposed to make yourself among the people who: "forgive the person with whom they’re angry" .
You need to train urself, to control anger when in such situations-and learn to channel it properly.
The example of a dog is used often by pious predecessors.
THE STRAY DOG.
Does not have control over anger.
They bark sometimes for no reason at people or cars.. running after bikes. They just have a habit of barking. This may seem harsh- but that is the reality. Just like a barking dog bothers people and has no control- people affect themselves plus those around them as well when they lose control over their anger.
THE TRAINED DOG.
Trained dog- dog can be used for hunt, guarding- even though saliva is najs. But this dog's anger is channeled, it carries out commands of owner. This anger becomes useful. Relationship with Allah SWT is reciprocal.
WE give up being angry with someone.
He SWT will give up being angry with us, even if the anger is justified.
Just like if we forgive, hide other people’s faults- HE will ours too!
Subhan Allah!
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 20:29:49 GMT 5
Contrary to popular belief: Anger shows weakness, not strength.
It is said that the Sick, old and women get angry quickly. The weaker person gets angry.
First Hadith:
Think about it. When you get angry, what do you feel?
Do you feel:
Coolness, calmness, contentment? Or do you feel heated up? Hot-headed? with Rage boiling. Your Blood Pressure rising, face reddening...
Anger from Shaitan, and Shaitan is from fire.
Second Hadith:
Iman is like honey, ever heard the pharse: the halaawat/sweetness of imaan? Anger is bitter, like aloe. Anger SPOILS ur iman. Destroys u spiritually.
Anger causes soo many problems!
Problems within our families. Husband-Wife fight abt something very petty, but in heated moments of anger- woman may ask for divorce, man may give it- in ANGER. Regret for the rest of ur lives. It causes social Problems, psychological Problems (you feel regret and remorse.. )
WHY so detrimental?
Anger ruins your state of mind. It ruins peace. You’re upset with people -->upset with urself --> cant sleep, anxiety, tension, high BP, heart disease.. destroying urself.
The optimistic approach to life is lost. No more so full of life, the freshness goes away.. Skin loses radiance, your expression is unpleasant- worried, frowning, upset.
How can such a person be devoted in their ibaadat? Feel sweetness of imaan?
Third Hadith:
This refers to emotional and spiritual strength from control of anger.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 20:52:14 GMT 5
Think of a person who HAS control over anger. What do they do?
We just say stuff to hurt, hit the other person- later we admit that we didn’t mean a word we said. But Prophet SWS said only the truth.
And when you say hurtful words in moments of anger, 'without meaning a word of what you said'-- you may forget what you said but it may resurface later, they may not forget it- This INABILITY to control anger, control ur tongue is dangerous!
It can even lead to disbelief!
How disbelief?
Qazi Sanaullah Panipati wrote in one of his (fiqh) books- about how when two people were talking, arguing about something. One person went like what you're saying doesn't conform to Shariah. Other person, in a moment of anger, said leave aside the shariat. Im talking abt this matter right now.
Leaving shariat for daily matters n doings—losing iman for something so petty!
So Another thing we have to keep in mind is that-
When someone ELSE is angry, don’t say something risky to them. Like when your son is all raging and angry, saying something like dont you know The Shariah says this- u risk them saying something wrong and something really dangerous!
~*~
Rasul Allah SWS was abused: verbally, physically..
Abu Jahl, his very own uncle, left no opportunity.
Remember at-Taif? When he SWS went with so much hope- when hardly no one believed him, denied by everyone- he thought maybe my mother's side of the family's from Taif, perhaps they might listen to me.. but he was soo rudely treated. Instead of being honorably welcomed, and atleast given a hearing- as was the custom of the time. He SWS could have chosen to destroy tht village- but he didn’t get angry, instead prayed to Allah SWT for the guidance of their later generations!
Subhan Allah! He didnt get angry for his own zaat, after being insulted, physically hurt, blood pouring down and filling his shoes!
(A/N: Think of what you would have done in such a situation.
When we go and try to advice somebody, knowing that we are right, and this is the response we get.. What do we do? Do we bravely smile it out and pray for them? or do we indignantly, self-righteous in our anger- say ok so you dont wanna listen? fine! I dont care! You are the one who will go to hell! Astagfirullah.. how far have we come from the noble example of our Beloved Nabi SWS.. And look at his position, he was the NABI of Allah SWT, more deserving of the best treatment than we could ever be!)
Then consider this: Prophet SWS knew about the hypocrites in Madina, Allah SWT had told him- these hypocrites would sit, talk and pray with the Muslims. He SWS did not even let it show with facial expressions that you're a hypocrite!
Then think of the person who poisoned him, the person who did magic on him. He Forgave, coz it was against his own zaat, and not deen.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 21:05:38 GMT 5
UJAB: The Me myself and I.. an ego centered life. Feel like whole world revolves around u, and u think other people's lives should also revolve around u. when things don’t go that way… you get angry! TAKABBUR: someone may wrong or hurt u, and u think they have no right. They shouldn’t have done that, I am better than so and so.. so my anger is justified. That person took away that thing from me… so you think its okay for me to be angry. TEASING N MOCKING: A joke is a joke when both parties are enjoying the joke. Otherwise it can lead to resentment. The other party may not be in a position to reply: maybe they cant reply or don’t want to show that they’re angry. But remember while joking: 1. No lies, 2. no hurting or mocking, and 3. the joke shouldn’t take away from your dignity or other person’s dignity. CRITICISM: when someone criticizes you, you get angry and think she has no right! When its a friend- you think she has so many faults. Who is she to say anything to me? How dare she! She has no right. When its your mom- some people may go as far as to say: Mom, you have to no right to say anything to me! You did whatever you wanted when you were young- and now you're putting demands on me! When its a relative- then you think my family's here, my parents are still alive- what right do they have to say anything to me! When its a religious person/scholar- you fire back with you see what your daughter is doing! You should go fix your family first! astagfirullah.. we have come to the point, where we feel JUSTIFIED when we get angry at such criticisms! You know what Umar R.A. would say? If someone shows me my faults, I ll make dua e maghfirat for them!! Subhan Allah. This is the kind of person we are supposed to be. Who is happy for a chance to improve! DESIRE OR HIRS: This is a negative emotion, wanting something for yourself which you cannot get. Wanting more and more- such that your talab doesn’t end. Nothing is ever enough. Consider a Child's hirs- he goes shopping with him mom, he wants 10 things from the market. When his mom says no, he throws atantrum. Hirs, these desires, they're insensible. But when unfulfilled .. u get angry. You wanted something to go a certain way, but it didn’t. So because your plan didn’t go that way, you blame X person for feeling a certain way, or for Y going wrong.. I couldn’t have things that I planned- so accept that Allah SWT plans- and what He plans happens. So u should think that this didn't happen, because Allah SWT didn’t want to. So don’t get angry, coz it would mean getting angry with Allah SWT's plan, nauzubillah. Scholars say that usually women have a lot of hirs, desires. And they keep on badgering their husbands... till it gets to the point that when they need something really important, or when it is a matter of Shariah- their husband doesn’t even listen. HASAD: Hasad is when you want a person to LOSE a thing they have, the blessing they've been gifted.. For this you should really consider what is making you angry.. are you saying that Allah SWT has made nauzubillah a mistake in distributing His favors? Or He swt was nauzubillh unfair? Astagfirllah... See how Anger ruins a persons emaan.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 21:34:39 GMT 5
---Sometimes when we are angry with some one- we don't greet them, don't say salam, pretend not to see them, avoid eye contact. It even shows in our speech: we may not talk, or talk in a different way.
(Something really sweet:
Narrated Aisha R.A.:
That Allah's Apostle said to her, "I know when you are pleased with me or angry with me." I said, "Whence do you know that?" He said, "When you are pleased with me, you say, 'No, by the Lord of Muhammad,' but when you are angry with me, then you say, 'No, by the Lord of Abraham.' " Thereupon I said, "Yes (you are right), but by Allah, O Allah's Apostle, I leave nothing but your name.")
i.e. her love for the Prophet SWS would not decrease even when upset
---Now here's a cute example for us:
We can either be acchi makkhis or gundi makkhis! (Good/Bad Flies)
Acchi makkhi: Searches and searches for nectar from every flower, and makes something even better and sweeter from it- honey. So search from the good in everybody, insha Allah
Bad makkhi: sits on trash. Looks for bad, goes and sits with dirty hands on the good, nice-smelling food- spoiling that too. This is Vicious makkhi. Looking out for the bad in people!
So lets not be gundi makkhis insha Allah!
--- When you're angry with someone, you try to get them in trouble, tell their secrets. You talk bad about them,
Sayyidna Jaafir Rahimullah would say.. if you want to see if someone is a friend to you, tell them a secret- and then when you have a fight, see if they disclose ur secret.
-- A sign! When someone gets good marks, you feel malice.. on the outside, you're quiet, smiling… pretending to be happy for them- while you nurse anger inside you.
Sometimes you have to show anger
That is be Stern.. like when a kid is hitting on the keys of your laptop, trying to pull them out, you HAVE to tell them that ur doing something wrong.
Ofcourse there are etiquettes with everthing: Even when training child, you cannot hit ur child on face.
Another thing to keep in mind is that: Do not punish your child when angry.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 12, 2011 21:38:55 GMT 5
Insha Allah...
Remedies and Benefits coming up soon!
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Post by Ummati on Sept 13, 2011 18:12:15 GMT 5
1. There was a woman who asked a shaykh for a wazeefa.. saying there are so many problems in my house all the time. What should I do?
The shaykh gave her a piece of paper, folded it up and asked her not to see what was inside. He further advised her- that whenever there's a fight, take this piece of paper and put it under your tongue. After a week- she came back, saying the situation in the house was much better masha Allah! And said do tell me shaykh what this amazing wazeefa was.
The shaykh asked her to open the folded paper and see. The paper was blank!
The thing is 'taali do haath say bajti hai' and a fight is much like a tug of war, with both sides pulling at each end. And if one of the parties leaves, there's no pull from that side!
2. Change location, either:
Physically. If you're standing, then sit down. Sitting, lie down. The idea is to bring yourself close to earth, to the ground. Humbling yourself, bringing yourself closer to something which is humble.
Or it could mean go to other room, to not see that person- or else, if you keep seeing that person, you keep getting angry. One of you might be in a mood to discuss, in goodwill. But you are angry, and not willing to do any such thing- so in order to diffuse the situation, leave the person whose company is making u upset- just go away.
3. Wudhu. Anger from shaitaan, person does wudhu- it’ll cool them down.
4. Namaz. Two nafl, in sajda- make a lot of dua. That I have done everything in my ability to fix myself, Allah SWT now You do something. At that time, you wanna fight, not pray. But this is therefore very effective.
For example, suppose you are arguing with someone, and its getting tense.. and phone rings, so when u get back, you find the situation is not so tense anymore- as you are in a different frame of mind.
There are four kinds of people. Those who get:
1. Angry quickly, calm down quickly. 2. Angry quickly, calm down slowly. 3. Angry slowly, calm down slowly. 4. Angry slowly, calm down quickly.
Best type 4th. Don’t get angry over small petty things.
And if you'll notice- the person who gets angry quickly- their getting angry doesn’t have that effect on people anymore- people are like she's always angry. She'll be okay in a while..
Your anger should be justified.
Slow to anger, quick to calm down- is the way to go.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 13, 2011 18:38:37 GMT 5
1. Aoozubillah.. A person was really mad, face red, nerves popping out. Prophet SWS said I know something if he recites it, his anger will cool down: that was the tauwwuz.
2. La howla wa la quwwata.. all strength is from You Allah SWT. Give me strength to overcome my anger. Say repeatedly, with reflection.
3. Durood.. when u send durood on Prophet SWS, Allah and angels send mercy upon you. Rahmah descends on person’s heart, then anger cannot remain. Light descends, so the dark anger will go away.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 13, 2011 18:52:59 GMT 5
1. Ponder over mercy and anger of Allah SWT.
Think- I make so many mistakes everday, and if Allah SWT would become upset over my mistakes then what would become of me.. if Allah SWT punished everyone for their mistakes, no single person would remain. No creature. He’s not punishing us even though angry. So we should also think I forgive you, May Allah SWT forgive me.
Think- This is my subordinate. I have control over him. Then see how you treat him. Remember someone who has control over you!
It is said: See how a person treats inferiors, to see how the person is…[/color] 2. Consider: Due to will of Allah SWT. Part of taqdeer.
Whatever happens, happens by Allah SWT's Will. We plan, and Allah SWT plans- and Allah is the best of Planners. 3. Make room for the person you're angry with. This person made this mistake, but I could have done the same thing. If I had made this mistake, how would this person be with me (Consider this if this person is better at anger control ). Be kind, forgive.4. Role model. See how an spiritually and emotionally developed person acts. Stories of Prophets, Companions, … be moderate in your behavior. Try to act like them.[/size][/font]
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Post by Ummati on Sept 13, 2011 19:38:40 GMT 5
Episodes from the Lives of Great Muslims1 After fath e makkah.. think of ALL Quraysh put the Prophet SWS and his followers through. Some were made shaheed, some injured brutally, tortured, mocked... even Zainab R.A. the daughter of the Prophet SWS, was wounded so much so by the kuffar- that she lost her baby, then lost her own life. She bore so much... for the sake of deen.
And what did her father, our Beloved Nabi SWS say on the day of the conquest of Makkah- when all those who tortured the Muslims for years stood before him? No reproach on u this day.
He forgave them for pleasure of Allah SWT..2 Ali R.A. was once on the battlefield. He had overcome one of his enemy with whom he fought. Just as he was about to kill him, the man spit on his face. Ali R.A. was in TOTAL control of the fight, but he took his sword back- and didnt kill him. The person was in shock. When questioned on why he didnt kill him- ALi R.A. replied that before I was killing for Allah SWT, now because im angry.. if I hurt you, I would for my own sake. This person later became Muslim. Subhan Allah! How someone restraining his anger paved way to another's Shahadah .3 Zain ul Abideen's story: His slave girl was once helping him make wudhu. The water was in a heavy container, such as were the metal containers of the time. While she was doing that, the container fell on him- instinctively he looked at her in anger.. but when she saw him, she knew how pious he was: she immediately recited the ayah..
wal kaazimeenal ghayzh: those who swallow their anger.. Zain ul Abideen immediately lowered his gaze of anger..
then, she recited wal aafineen a aninaas… and he said: I forgive u..
and the slave girl concluded: wAllahu yuhibbul muhsinin. and He said: Go I have set u free.
Subhan Allah!4 Once, somebody stole. The person who was stolen from didnt get angry. Instead he said, if he stole out of need, then it is fine. And if not, then I pray this might be his last sin. 5 Imam Shafi.. someone came and accused him of certain things.. to which Imam Shafi calmly replied: If what you have said is true, may Allah forgive me. If not, then may Allah forgive u. Subhan Allah! 6 Imam Rumi. Someone said: If u say one thing to me, I ll say 10. Imam Rumi- even if u say 1000, I wont say a single one
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Post by Ummati on Sept 13, 2011 19:42:15 GMT 5
A plant that doesn’t bend- will break. Anger will break us. BE HUMBLE!!! Like the deweeding of a garden… is a constant constant job. Similarly, anger management requires continuous maintenance, insha Allah. And now, finally:
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