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Post by Ummati on Sept 14, 2011 21:56:32 GMT 5
MUM S.O.S. How do you deal with your child being compared to similar aged children who are wealthier, smarter and better behaved than yours?The first thing to remember is that each child is beautiful in his/her own right. They are individual and unique. Our focus should be on them and their abilities, strengths and talents. It is important to praise them for what they are able to do and not reprimand them for what they are not capable of. Praising their efforts is essential. Encouraging them to try is vital. Always showing them your love is crucial. If we do these things then our children are likely to have self-belief, enabling them to cope with the knocks that life will inevitably throw at them.As mothers, we inevitably compare and contrast our children to others, especially as new mums. It is our way of checking that we are doing okay and that our babies are alright. However, with this comes a pressure and stress to have our babies and ourselves ‘up and running’ before we have even left the labour room! We need to remind ourselves that each child will do things in their own time and when they reach their developmental milestones has no lasting effect on their qadr, insha’Allah. If we rush things, we will not be able to enjoy each step as it happens as we will be busy thinking about the next one. Comparing children to others is a trap best avoided as it is one that can lead to inferiority complexes, jealousies, insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of confidence. It is not easy to steer clear completely from it, as someone in your circle of friends or family is bound to do it. However, it is often done without due thought or attention. Indeed, it is how we as parents respond to the comparison, not the comparison itself, that is likely to impact most on our children When someone else begins the comparison game, don’t get drawn into it. Change the subject or move away. If this is not possible and particularly if your child is present, make a comment that indicates to your child that you are happy with him or her as they are. If you are unable to do this, when you are alone with your child, discuss the incident with them: ask them how they felt about it and let them know that you would not have them any other way. If they feel secure in your love and affections, what others say will have little or no impact. If the person who is making the comparison is someone you are able to speak to and is likely to listen to what you have to say, try taking them aside and telling them how you feel about comparisons; own what you are saying and do not blame them as that is only likely to offend and ‘get their backs up’. Also, remember that they may not have been aware of what they were doing. I notice that you mention comparing children’s behaviour. One thing to note here is that we tend to compare our children to those who are seemingly better behaved at that moment. We are seeing the other child beautifully behaved and impeccably mannered. What we are not seeing is that before leaving the house, they had an almighty tantrum which left their mother wondering if they would ever make it out the door! Accept your child as a whole and appreciate that they are mostly wonderful and on occasion little monsters. We can’t always be perfect so why would we expect our children to be? Of course, some children run faster than others, some can jump higher whilst others are able to throw further. What matters to children is that, in the eyes of their parents, they are valued for themselves and that they are viewed as having equal worth to others. If a child has delays in learning how to speak, how can parents cope with relatives that do not understand? And how can we encourage the child to express himself without the tantrums? Concerned Mum Dr Nicole says:Parenting is certainly a stressful job! In addition to worries about all aspects of your child’s well-being and how good a job you’re doing as a parent, there is also judgment from others, especially family members and close friends. The latter can be especially nerve-wracking since those doing the judging may not have an accurate window into your or your child’s situation. Add to these issues having a child with special needs, such as speech/language, intellectual or physical delays, and the anxiety usually increases tenfold. When it’s discovered that their child has a delay or special need, parents can experience a range of emotions including confusion, disappointment, anger, sadness, denial, fear (especially about the unknown future), guilt (‘What did I do to cause this?’) and rejection. Parents may sense that they or their child are being rejected by family members, other parents and children, or community members. Although this is seldom talked about, there are times when parents feel that they want to reject their child - or at least the part of their child that’s not ‘perfect’. Eventually, however, many parents develop a deep commitment to improving their child’s condition and even see the child’s disability as a unique blessing in disguise. A part of how family or others are responding to you, Concerned Mum, is based on their own fears and lack of information. Sometimes, in the face of their discomfort about not knowing how to treat a child with special needs, they can become negative, judgmental or mocking. As parents, you have to decide how you want to respond to such behaviour. One approach is to provide them with information about your child’s particular delay, let them know the support you and your child need from them, and point out how their comments and lack of understanding affect you. For many, this positive appeal will work and you may find family and friends becoming a great deal more sensitive. Of course, there will be relatives who still do not seem to have the words empathy or understanding in their vocabulary. In these instances, you will have to set boundaries. This could include anything from limiting your time with the offending relatives, making it clear that you don’t want to discuss your child’s delay, to supervising all time between that family member and your child. As for parenting your child, arming yourself with information and support are the first steps. Has your child had a professional evaluation and plan for addressing the problem? Have you sought support from other parents or organisations that can help? Secondly, as a general rule, your child and you will benefit from a consistent, structured daily routine. All children, but particularly those with special needs, need to know what to expect daily and from their caregivers. Tantrums can be a child’s way of trying to convey certain wants and needs. It is essential that you establish healthy ways for your child to communicate, with the assistance of a professional if necessary, as well as providing outlets for your child to express the wide array of feelings he/she is experiencing. These can include expressive outlets such as drawing, imaginative play, movement, sound, etc. Hopefully, you can receive guidance from the specialists working on your case, but also don’t be afraid to seek advice from other experienced parents. Here are a few tips for parenting your wonderful child with special needs:-- Recognise that you’re not alone and make time to take care of yourself; -- Arm yourself with reliable information about your child’s diagnosis and treatment options; -- Find programmes specific to your child’s needs; -- Get support from groups and other parents (there are numerous national and local organisations that provide information and sponsor groups or online networks); -- Appreciate the importance of communicating with your spouse and/or other family members who understand the situation; -- Keep up connections with your other children; -- Set boundaries with family members who are negative or judgmental. -- Most importantly, your faith can serve as a valuable source of motivation and inspiration. Prayer, reading Qur’an, and attending community events are all ways of fostering hope, decreasing isolation and coping with the challenges of parenting a child with special needs. Do you have any questions for our parenting team? Send a MUM S.O.S to our email info@sisters-magazine.com with your questions From SISTERS Magazine
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Post by Ummati on Sept 14, 2011 22:20:42 GMT 5
Discipline Without the StickI asked a wonderful sister for some advice on how to get my children to listen without turning into the Wicked Witch of the West.Her name is Rose Ali, otherwise known as Grandma Jeddah and this is what she had to say. Assalamu Alaikum Sister Na’ima,
Disciplining without hitting is a skill that is developed.It also involves certain techniques. You certainly haven’t failed in training your children. You may simply need to learn a few effective techniques that will help you to better control your children’s behavior. Also, keep in mind that children have different temperaments. Some may need a different approach than others. INCENTIVESThe first thing you want to do with your children is offer them incentives for desired behavior. Most people resent exerting themselves in activities they don’t enjoy. They need a good reason to do it. Mothers clean their homes because it would be difficult to live in a messy house. Fathers work because if they didn’t they wouldn’t have a home for their family to live in. Kids need incentives, too. One of the most successful incentive programs--it’s worked wonders in my home--is the star chart system. Believe me, it really works. Accompanied with the star chart system, you’ll find information on the penalty system . . . which leads to my second point—consistency. CONSISTENCYMake certain you follow through on your penalties when your children fail to perform their chores. If they see that sometimes rules are enforced and other times they are not, they will learn that if they stall long enough, they won’t have to get the job done. DO NOT SHOW NEGATIVE EMOTIONSAnother important point about penalties (such as removing stars, putting up checks or removing privileges) is not to show negative emotions when implementing your penalties. Do not show your child you are angry with his behavior. Some children starting around about 7-years-old may intentionally wish to make you angry. This often occurs when the child feels he has been treated unfairly. The benefit and resolve he feels in getting you angry may far outweigh any penalty you can dish out—this includes hitting. The way to combat this behavior is to remain calm during the discipline process. This leads to my next point. Sometimes we parents need help controlling our own emotions. CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONSMany times parents hit their children because they’re angry at the child’s behavior not because they want to correct the behavior. It’s very important to make sure you are in control of your emotions when disciplining. This may sound like a cliché, but counting to 10 or retreating to your room to calm down when angry can indeed help you release steam. Also, according to hadith, The Prophet (saw) suggested sitting if you’re standing and reclining if you’re sitting when angry. Once you’re in control of yourself, you can consider ways to correct your child’s behavior without hitting or shouting. Secret 4, pages 73 – 104 in my book lists over a dozen ways to help control children's behavior without hitting or shouting. COMPLIMENT THEM!I strongly suggest complimenting your children when you see them picking up their clothes off the floor, not eating in their room or putting the jam away. Give them a pat on the back, a hug, a kiss. Tell them how much you appreciate it when they do these things. This might correct 90 % of your problem. REMEMBERRemember, too, your children are just that--children. They get distracted, they have dislikes, and they are not of mature minds. With your love and consistency, they will remember what you taught them during their childhood, and grow to be responsible adults, insha’allah. Finally, make du’a for them frequently, and ask Allah to help you guide them in the best way. Let’s put all of what I said in a nut shell.
1. Remember, disciplining children is something that involves certain skills and techniques. These skills must be practiced.
2. Give your children incentives for completing chores and responsibilities.
3. Be consistent with penalties.
4. Avoid showing your anger when disciplining.
5. Remember that for some parents, hitting is a habit and is often done out of anger not for correcting behavior.
6. Praise your children when you see them fulfilling their duties.
7. Explore, on your own, ways of disciplining without hitting.
8. Try to emulate the Prophet’s (SAW) character in raising children, with gentleness.
9. Remember-- they are just children.
10. Make dua often for Allah’s guidance.May Allah bless all your children to be a comfort for you and your family and to grow up as Muslims who will please Allah. Your Sister in Islam Sister RoseIf you'd like to get a copy of the e-book Sister Rose is referring to, simply click on this link: grandmajeddah.books.officelive.comWasalaam Na'ima B.
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Post by Ummati on Sept 14, 2011 22:46:09 GMT 5
Those Boys!! My children (boys aged between 5 and 11) seem to me to be louder, more boisterous and generally wilder than everyone else’s. No matter how hard I try to teach them basics etiquette and manners, they still embarrass me when I take them out. Is there a reason they are not listening to me? Am I doing something wrong - or should I just give up? Concerned MumDr Nicole says:Actually, your concerns are not uncommon to parents of young children. First, let me assure you that most likely, the behaviour your children are exhibiting is ‘within the normal range’, as child experts like to say. While it’s typical to compare our children to others’, doing so can sometimes bring more worry than necessary. Your boys sound like energetic youngsters who perhaps ‘test the limits’ when you are in public together. In some respects, that’s part of normal, expected development. That said, there are various techniques you can incorporate into your routine with them that will help modify your boys’ behaviour so that it’s more tolerable in public and will instil the etiquette you want to come naturally to them. Act it outChildren tend to respond well to consistency and incentives or rewards to motivate them. Set up a schedule when you explain different behaviour and manners and then role play this etiquette in different situations - at home, at others’ homes, in public. You can also use games and stories to discuss Islamic adab. The incentives part is where it really gets fun. You can use activities that they love to encourage appropriate behaviour. Things like fun night, activity day or even small rewards such as the priviledge of playing a video game or using the computer at home. Positive role modelAnother strategy that can be quite helpful is praising their positive behaviour with comments like, “Abdullah, you did such a good job listening to Mummy when we were at the restaurant. I knew you could do it!”. Finally, being firm, but not overly critical or harsh, when they fall off the bandwagon - which they surely will at times - sets an example of tolerance and acceptance of mistakes. So, in response to your question, ‘Should I give up?’ the answer is a loud and clear ‘Of course not!’ Just make some minor, easy to follow adjustments to your work with the boys and you’ll be proud to show them off at the next family gathering, mall outing or masjid event inshaAllah. Khalida says:Having read your question, I am left wondering if you want your boys to be on their best behaviour all of the time. If so, then they may just be breaking free. Boys will be boys Children, and in particular boys, are meant to be noisy creatures, often testing our patience to its very limits. They need time and space to be boisterous and burn up their energy, some more than others. Perhaps, if you don’t already, you could factor in some wild time into each day, a time when they can be as boisterous as they want to be. Relax, Mum!Kids pick up on our anxious or nervous feelings and ‘misbehave’ as a consequence. If we are relaxed, they tend to also be more relaxed. Children often misbehave if they aren’t getting the attention they need or want. They will try to get it even if it is negative attention as that is better than nothing. Consistency is kingConsistency is key in conveying what we want from our children.If we say they will lose out on something as a result of bad behaviour, we need to see it through. Saying it and not acting upon it causes trust to be broken and so it becomes difficult for them to take us seriously. However, we need to ensure that the goals we are setting for them are not too high. If they are, we are bound to be disappointed. Any punishment that is implemented needs to be age appropriate. If, for example, the consequence for bad behaviour is time-out, then the length of time that is suitable for an 11 year old is not going to work for a five year old. A listening earKids learn best by example. If you would like them to listen to you, show them what it’s like by really listening to them the next time they have something to share with you. I realise that we are not always able to listen to our children when they want us to as we are often busy cooking, cleaning, tidying etc. We can be honest and say, ‘I can’t listen to you right now but give me ten minutes’. And when the ten minutes are up, go to them and ask them what it was they wanted to say. This shows them that you are interested in what they have to say and that they can have your attention but at appropriate times. Finally, how we convey our instructions and wishes is very important. Just like adults, children need to be talked to and not talked at. We need to talk to our children in firm, polite tones just as we would like to be spoken to. Being shouted at is not nice for anyone and it makes everyone uncomfortable. Children are more likely to comply if requested nicely. It also teaches them how to ask for something politely.
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Post by Ummati on Oct 9, 2011 23:00:24 GMT 5
Divine Comfort Sadaf Farooqi shares how the Qur’an came alive in her heart during a difficult pregnancy that involved physical affliction and loneliness.This year, as summer made its debut, I was deep in the throes of early, expectant motherhood: acute nausea, vomiting, fatigue, and dehydration, to name a few symptoms. While for some mothers the first trimester of pregnancy breezes by so easily that they do not even realise that they are pregnant, for others, including me, this trimester is often the worst part of being pregnant. For yet others, the entire pregnancy is a test of sheer patience and will. This could be, for example, if it is so high-risk that the mother-to-be is put on complete bed rest, or if acute vomiting throughout the nine months necessitates her being hooked up to IV for nutrition. Mention of pregnancy weakness in the Qur’anWhen a woman is pregnant, she is sometimes expected to downplay her fatigue, exhaustion, sickness, moodiness and weak physical condition in front of others; to bear it quietly without making a big deal out of it; to acquiesce that what she is enduring is no major ‘achievement’. Sometimes, she is told that “every woman” endures this, and hence “to stop complaining and be grateful!” ~*~ I slouched in the waiting room of the maternity ward of the hospital late one night, waiting for the doctor on duty to come and prescribe me an anti-nausea IV drip, feeling extremely weak after having vomited all day. I was trying hard to fight the urge to retch even more bile from my empty stomach into the plastic bag I clutched in my left hand, when my mind recalled the word that Allah I mentions in the Qur’an for this weakness that women endure during pregnancy: “wahn”: “And We have enjoined upon man goodness towards his parents: his mother bore him by bearing strain upon strain, and his utter dependence on her lasted two years; be grateful towards Me and towards your parents, with Me is all journeys’ end.” [Luqman:14] I couldn’t find a better word to describe my condition then, or when I had lain - absolutely drained - on my bed for many days before, unable to get up because of lack of nutrition. My body consistently rejected most types of food, and the resulting dehydration made anything, such as conversing, reading, remembering mundane things, or concentrating on my work, almost impossible. “You know,” I whispered to Allah (SWT) as I held my throbbing head in my hands, “You know better than me what I am going through.” At that moment I felt my heart burst with love for Allah (SWT), for appreciating my condition by mentioning it in the Qur’an, even if others undermine it. The Foresighted Mother of Maryam (RA)Despite my weak physical and depressed emotional state, I couldn’t stop thinking of the life developing within me. Even as tears of frustration at being helplessly dependent on others often flowed down my cheeks, I remembered how important it is for an expectant mother to pray for her foetus, and to dedicate it to Allah’s (SWT) work early on, long before it is born. I recalled how Allah (SWT) mentions the mother of Maryam Bint Imran; how she dedicated Maryam as a baby in her womb to Allah (SWT) during pregnancy: “Behold! A woman of ‘Imran said: “O my Lord! (SWT) do dedicate unto You what is in my womb for Your special service: So accept this of me. For You hear and know all things.” [Al-i-’Imran:36] Further, after she had given birth, Maryam’s mother gave her baby girl a noble name (“Maryam” is a Hebrew word that means “chaste woman”) and she sought Allah (SWT)’s protection for both Maryam and her offspring, from Shaitan: “I have named her Maryam, and I commend her and her offspring to Your protection from the Evil One, the Rejected.”” [Al-i-’Imran:36] As these verses would recurrently come to my mind, I would place my right hand over my lower belly and recite the same words that Maryam’s mother had used to dedicate her unborn child to Allah’s I cause - and I meant them from the bottom of my heart! Maryam Bint Imran and her son ‘Isa (AS)Although I knew that my vomiting woes and weakness would probably fade away with the onset of my second trimester, I knew only too well that beyond that point, the challenges of the last month of pregnancy, labour and delivery awaited. Having gone through both Caesarean section and induced normal delivery, I knew that neither was easy. No matter that most women claim that they ‘forget’ the pain of childbirth once they have recovered from it and moved on, the fact is that, for some, it can be one of the most excruciatingly painful experiences they ever go through. As I thought about having to deliver another baby soon, I recalled how Allah (SWT) mentioned the experience Maryam Bint Imran went through when she gave birth to a son in the Qur’an. The delivery of a son was a trial for her as much as it was a gift, because she was an extremely chaste woman who kept away from men in a morally decadent society. She no doubt knew that giving birth to a baby without being married would make her the target of slander and social persecution. Labour pains made her retire to a remote area in the wilderness to give birth - absolutely alone. Allah (SWT) recorded her ordeal forever in the Qur’an, so that her sacrifice is remembered and mentioned till the end of mankind, to be recited over and over by every reader of His Book: “And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree: She cried (in her anguish): “Ah! Would that I had died before this! Would that I had been forgotten and out of sight!”” [Maryam:23] As these verses of the Qur’an once again brought comfort to my heart, I felt reassured that whatever kind of delivery I would eventually go through, Allah (SWT) would be by my side, just as He helped Maryam in the wilderness by sending her an angel who provided her with dates and water. Reliance on Allah (SWT)This time, after discovering that I had conceived, I deliberately withdrew into a shell to endure this trying period of my life, because I hoped to seek less support from people and more closeness to Allah I, the All-Knower, who sees, hears and records each and every bit of pain, weakness, fatigue and physical anguish that a mother endures, before and after giving birth. I struggled between brooding over the sudden lack of control over my life, and being grateful that I did not have it any worse than it was. I marvelled at how people suffering from fatal illnesses fight enormous inner battles to stay positive and face each day with grit, since it was mostly the hope of imminent recovery that comforted me. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, during a phase in which I could scarcely get out of bed except to vomit, or to perform my five daily obligatory prayers, I felt grateful to Allah (SWT) for making the verses of His Book come alive in my head during my loneliness, keeping me company and spiritually alive during my confinement. Sadaf Farooqi hopes other women will benefit from her recent experience and realise the importance of reciting the Qur’an as a means of connecting directly to Allah (SWT) during times of distress.
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Post by Ummati on Oct 28, 2011 20:48:14 GMT 5
Moms, fed up of the housework?
Check this out!
Household Work Equivalent to Jihad!!
“Women asked Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam), ‘O Messenger of Allah, by performing Jihad the men have grabbed Allah’s favours. Is there any deed that we women can do through which we can obtain the same reward of performing Jihad?’ The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, ‘Yes, if one of you does the work of her house it will fetch her the same reward as performing Jihad.’” [Baihaqi]
All the work that is performed inside the house - whether it be related to cooking, cleaning, taking care of children or organizing things - can be a source of great reward for women. So don’t complain about it. If you want Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) to give you Jannah in return for this simple work, thank Him for providing you with this easy way in which to earn the great reward of Jihad, and do it happily.
Nobody can reward you as extravagantly as Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) can for changing diapers, reading to your children, washing dishes, sweeping floors, etc. So don’t look towards anyone else for compensation and feel grateful that while men have to participate in the most difficult of activities – Jihad - you get the same reward by cheerfully doing the work of your house instead. Subhan-Allah!
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