My spouse & I

[Ummati]

10 Tips on How to be a Successful Wife[/color]

1. Use your beauty and overtures of allurement to win the heart of your husband. All women have the ornaments that Allah blessed them with. Use the beauty Allah SWT has bestowed you with to win the heart of your husband. Dress up for your husband at home. Wear the colours and clothes that he likes to see you in and use makeup, perfume, jewellery - in short, whatever it takes to be attractive to him. From the early years, little girls have adorned themselves with earrings and bracelets and worn pretty dresses - as described in the Qur’an. Continue this tradition as a wife.

2. Be sensitive to his moods, feelings and needs. For example, don’t start complaining or burden him with problems as soon as he comes home; rather, welcome him and make him feel good to be home. Imagine your husband coming home to a clean house, an exquisitely dressed wife, a dinner prepared with care, children clean and sweet smelling, a clean bedroom - what would this do to his love for you? Now imagine what the opposite does to him.

3. Review the characteristics of the Hoor Al-Ayn (women of jannah), and try to imitate them. The Qur’an and Sunnah describe the women in jannah with certain characteristics. Such as the silk they wear, their large dark eyes, their singing to their husband, etc. Try it, wear silk for your husband, put Kohl in your eyes to ‘enlarge’ them, and sing to your husband.

4. Do things together or at least allocate some time of the day to give him your undivided attention. Be sincere in appreciating him, show interest in his day, his activities, his thoughts and opinions. Give him advice and comfort him when needed. Spend your husband’s money carefully and try to keep him informed of where his money is being spent. Remember not to spend large amounts of his money without his permission. Show caring and concern for his relatives as this is a sure way of securing a place in his heart. Never object when he spends on them, as this is a source of abundance in provision and increase in life span.

5. Joke and play games with your husband. A mans secret: they seek women who are light-hearted and have a sense of humour. As Rasulullah SAW told Jabir to marry someone who would make him laugh and he would make her laugh. Be cheerful and humorous, smile often, don’t feel shy to be affectionate with your husband and make him feel really happy to be around you. Express your love frequently and creatively, rather than waiting for him to do so first.

6. Be grateful to your husband. Remind yourself that it’s a tough world out there and your husband works very hard to provide for you. So whatever you do, don’t compare him to other men, unless it is favourably. Thank your husband constantly for the nice things he does. Let him know that you appreciate his efforts, not just through your words, but also your actions. This is one of the most important techniques, as the opposite is a characteristic of the women of hellfire.

7. Don’t fly into a rage when you have a difference of opinion or he criticizes you. Stay calm, control your tongue and don’t challenge your husband’s authority at that time. Use your wisdom, tactics and powers of persuasion later to try to explain your point of view. Believe the best, not the worst about him. Be forgiving and accept apologies graciously rather than holding grudges and bringing up mistakes of the past. An argument is a fire in the house. Extinguish it with a simple ‘I’m sorry’ even if it is not your fault. When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire. Watch how sweetly an argument will end when you just say sincerely, “Look, I’m sorry. Let’s be friends.”

8. Always seek to please your husband, for he is your key to jannah. Rasulullah SAW taught us that any women who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter jannah. So please him. Simple things like serve him the foods he likes, remembering that variety is the spice of life. Try to eat together as this fosters companionship.

9. Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is fard (obligatory). Remember that your husband is the head of the family and as long as obedience to him does not entail any sin, it is your duty to obey him. Show respect for your husband by not divulging your private and confidential issues to others, or by complaining about him to people or discussing your marital problems with those who cannot help you.

10. Make dua to Allah SWT to make your marriage and relationship successful. All good things are from Allah. Never forget to ask Allah SWT for the blessing of having a successful marriage that begins in this dunya and continues on - by the Mercy of Allah SWT into jannah.

May Allah SWT give us the favour of changing what we can change (like ourselves), patience with what we cannot change (like our spouse), and the wisdom to understand the difference. Whatever truth is in it is from Allah and His Messenger, and whatever mistakes are from the shaytaan and myself; And Allah and His Messenger are absolved from it.

Attachments:

[Ummati]

10 Tips on How to be a Successful Husband

1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good. When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasulullah SAW would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.

2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasulullah SAW had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

3. Don’t treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it ‘bugs’ us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day - which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to ‘bug’ him. Don’t treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasulullah SAW used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives Radiallahu Anhunn. It is something that very few muslim men have learnt or practice with their wives.

5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the muslim ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasulullah SAW would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.

6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don’t be that person; thank her!

7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what makes her happy. You don’t have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those things in your life.

8. Don’t belittle her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasulullah SAW set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah RA was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

9. Be humorous and play games with your wife. Make her laugh, have little ‘inside’ jokes and moments with her. Honestly your wifes laughter is one of the best sounds in life. Make her smile keep & her happy. Look at how Rasulullah SAW would race his wife Aisha RA in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

10. Always remember the words of Allah’s Messenger SAW: “The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family.” Try to be the best!

Never forget to make dua to Allah SWT to make your marriage successful. And Allah SWT knows best.

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[Ummati]

Well strictly speaking, this is an article on a potential 'to-be' spouse. But oh well

11 Ways to Impress a Muslimah for Marriage

For many Muslims, the process of finding a spouse can sometimes prove challenging and frustrating. During this time not only do brothers and sisters have to wrestle with their own personal quirks, but they also have expectations about the potential mates they are considering. From a sister’s point of view, a suitor can exhibit subtle but significant traits that turn her away from wanting to continue getting to know a brother for marriage.

The following are the top 11 issues that can help brothers avoid having a sister becoming uninterested and discontinuing communication. In no way is this an exhaustive list; in fact, it was difficult to trim the list down. This list is a collaborative effort on the part of many MuslimMatters Associates – a big jazakum Allahu khayran to all of them.

11. Dress to Impress

Generally, when meeting with a suitor, sisters put a lot of effort into presenting themselves respectfully and in a composed manner. A brother who is going to visit his potential wife should reciprocate in like. Remember – first impression, lasting impression. During the first meetings, it is important for the brother to dress decently. Nothing fancy or bling-blingy, just make sure you dress with a purpose – you are presenting yourself to the person you may end up making this big commitment to. Avoid wearing a t-shirt, sweats, or dirty socks – trust us, sisters notice. And be well groomed. Don’t walk in looking like a ruffian with your beard all over the place.

Although its important to dress well during this courtship period, a brother shouldn’t pretend to dress differently than he normally does. For example, thobes can turn parents off sometimes. If guys prefer wearing thobes, then they should make that known to the sister when they talk to her; otherwise, she’s gonna get scared and so will her family. Know your taste, but survey the landscape before taking a dive.

10. Kitchen Politics

Some girls do not like being directly asked, “What dishes can you cook?”, or when a trolley is rolled out during a visit, “What did she make from these items?” Cooking is something anyone can easily learn after marriage, and most do, so please do not ask this question directly.

9. Information Highway

Don’t spread information about a sister that you’re talking to. At this delicate stage in a relationship, a brother should be very discreet and guard the privacy of the sister he is communicating with – even if the relationship doesn’t end up in marriage.

If you’re a single brother, most likely your friends are also single and looking. If you tell other brothers that you were courting sister so-and-so, this may make them acquire the mentality that “he talked to her, so I can’t”. Don’t inadvertently ruin a sisters chances by being overly chatty about your courting escapades.

8. Call Back

If they are not interested in a sister or something comes up, some brothers just never contact her or her family again. Call back. It’s as simple as that. It won’t break her heart if you do so…but not calling and making her family wait for days upon days until they give up hope in the proposal… that’s worse. It’s just one call – make it so that everyone can move on.

7. Sharing is Caring

Be sure to show that you’ve put some thought into the meeting you’re going to have with the sister. This can easily be done by bringing a cake, some flowers, or other items with you to the visit. Brothers not bringing something to the house or for family when they first come may be a turn off for some sisters, but this could just be a cultural thing. Find out ahead of time so you can check off this symbolic but sweet gesture from your to-do list.

6. Pathways to Citizenship

Please do not marry a girl just because she has a foreign passport or is a citizen of the U.S./U.K./Canada if all else is not compatible with her. It is an insult to choose a girl just for her nationality and then coerce her to change herself to suit your other requirements.

5. Don’t be a jokester

Seriously, if you want to impress the lady, you have to come off as a serious man. If you’re funny, that’s a great quality, but not when the girl is sizing you up as a future bread-winner plus role model for kids plus protector (i.e. men are “Qawwaam” over women). To a sister, one significant sign of readiness is when a brother is financially prepared. Have savings (not just a job) if feasible, and communicate to her that you are financially responsible.

4. Avoid oversharing

Some brothers actually mention to the sister the number of girls they’ve seen for marriage (not for information purposes, but for boasting purposes). Never, ever joke about or carelessly mention other girls you may have been involved with for marriage in the past or other girls you’re interested in at present. Be in the moment, and know that a sister is sensitive to comparisons. What wins a sister’s heart is making her feel chosen – understandably, everyone has a past, but avoid overly showcasing your past experiences with other sisters.

3. To See or Not to See

Before meeting a sister in person, some brothers prefer to see a picture of the sister. Approach the whole picture/seeing her thing gently. It’s really easy for a brother to come off rude if he doesn’t ask or approach this properly. Some tips for approaching the picture topic graciously: volunteer your picture first, treat the photo like an amanah - look at it once and give it back. Please do NOT take pictures of her on your mobile phone when you are introduced to her. It is disgusting, intrusive, mean, rude… in short, don’t do it! Do not ask for a photo at all if you know that the girl wears niqab. And most importantly, don’t get offended if the girl’s family refuses to hand over a picture of her to you at the first request.

2. Put All the Major Cards on the Table.

You want to live with your parents? How many kids do you want? Do you want sister to observe hijab before other male relatives? Do you want the sister to wear niqab or not? Will you prevent the sister from working after marriage? Make sure you marry someone who wants the same things that you do, it’s best to disagree and move on now than it is to emotionally invest in someone who is pulling in a different direction on issues that you don’t feel like you can budge on. It’s not about being confrontational but rather about being honest and upfront about how you see yourself living and whether the potential can see themselves in that same situation happily too.

Major expectations should be out in the open immediately, but if problems existed in the past (i.e. past psychological issues), this is very sensitive and I imagine it would be very difficult for a prospective suitor to discuss them within the first couple of meetings. Also, people tend to keep things like this under wraps so the family may only discuss them once a solid relationship has developed. While this is understandable, this also causes huge issues and can result in a great deal of heartbreak since an attachment may have already developed by this point.

1. Be honest.

At all times. It’s very easy to find a lot of information about a guy online, so if he says one thing, yet his Facebook or Twitter profile shows an entirely other side, that’s a major red flag for a sister during the initial stages. Honesty is the best policy.



muslimmatters.org/

[Ummati]

Just to make matters fair, this is a brother's reply to the above article on muslimmatters:

11 Things for Her when He comes to propose.

11. Dress to Impress

Easy on the makeup, sister. When a brother goes to see a potential wife, he wants to get the chance to actually see how she looks, and that isn’t possible with 3 layers of makeup on, not to mention that more makeup usually makes the person less attractive. (Speaking of getting the chance to see how she looks, if you usually wear niqab, the brother is actually allowed to see you- as a potential spouse.) If you usually wear hijab, don’t take it off when the brother comes to see you as he is still a stranger and you two might never get married.

Also don’t think that a brother would actually go over to see a potential spouse without combing his beard, so if his beard does look like it is all over the place, then most likely that is the type of (fuzzy/curly) hair the brother has and it doesn’t matter how much he combs his beard it will still look the same.

10. Work Politics

Some guys do not like being directly asked, “What job do you do?”, or when a list is rolled out during a visit, “What degree does he have from that list? Is he a Dr. or Engineer? Or is he Sheikh Dr. Engineer?” Working is something anyone can easily do after marriage, and most do, so please do not ask this question directly.

9. Information Highway

This goes both ways, so don’t spread any information about the brother or even talk about him to your close friends, because as you might know, people talk, and once the news spreads among most sisters in the community that this brother was visiting that sister, they would not consider him for marriage if he was to go visit them. Some sisters acquire the mentality that “he was interested in her, so I don’t want to be his second choice”. Don’t inadvertently ruin a brother’s chances by being overly chatty about your courting escapades. You would be surprised as to how many rumors and misinformation spread around due to gossiping. If a brother came over for a visit but nothing happened beyond that, don’t tell your friends that he “proposed”, especially if he didn’t.

8. Answer

If the brother and his family express interest, let them know if you are interested or not within a reasonable time frame. Don’t keep them waiting for months while you decide if he is suitable for you or not. If you take too much time to decide, it looks like you are trying to buy some time in hopes that some one “better” would propose to you, and if no one “better” proposes then you would be willing to “settle”. We know this is an important decision to make, but if you need several months to give the brother a definitive answer to his proposal, then that isn’t good for the both of you. Let the brother and his family know within a reasonable time frame what your decision is after he proposes or expresses interest.

7. Sharing is Caring

If you are the oldest child, then chances are your father is going to be over protective. That means he might “interrogate” the brother without allowing him any time to actually talk to the girl. Make sure the brother gets some time to talk to the sister herself and not just to her father, after all, he is looking to marry the girl, not her father. Don’t get me wrong, it is important for the father to talk to the guy and get to know him, but if the father is discussing everything alone with the guy without the guy having any time to even talk to the girl or see her and discuss with her the important issues, then that might scare the guy away.

6. Pathways to Citizenship

Please do not ask us about our citizenship status from the first visit. We understand your concerns, but you don’t need to be rude and make us feel like you are working for the INS. It is also important to mention that not every brother who is not a citizen is looking to get married for the purpose of getting the citizenship. Some brothers have other reasons for getting married, like I don’t know, say starting a family?

5. Don’t be insecure about your provision

A brother knows that it is his responsibility to provide for his wife, but don’t ask him about his finances or how much does he makes. Not only will that not make your future any more secure, but asking him about his salary or savings makes him think twice about the reason why you are marrying him.

4. Avoid over-asking

Asking questions is expected and a natural part of the whole process. However, over-asking is not. Avoid asking too many questions, especially detailed ones about the brother’s past/work/school. No one wants to feel like they are being interrogated, and this is not a job interview but rather it should be more of a conversation.

3. Assume nothing

If you are in doubt, ask. Never assume anything. Just because the brother came over for a visit does not mean he is proposing or that he is certain that he wants to marry you. In most cases, the brother is usually there to find out more about the girl and figure out if they are both suitable for each other. Some sisters fall into the trap of assuming that just because a brother came to visit that he is very interested and would do anything to marry her, and with that assumption in mind the girl usually approaches the whole issue with what can be perceived as an arrogant mentality by the brother. Because of that assumption, some sisters think that they can make any demand that they want, place whatever rules or restrictions on the brother, without having to offer anything in return or agreeing to any of the brother’s requests, because she thinks that he is dying to marry her and is willing to do whatever it takes.

2. Put All the Major Cards on the Table

You want to live near your parents? How many kids do you want? Do you want to work after marriage and have a career? Many people fall into the trap of thinking that they will change the person after marriage or that she can convince him of doing (or of allowing her to do) certain things later on. Although this is possible, yet this is the exception to what usually happens and not the rule. Make sure you are direct and discuss all the major issues upfront.

1. Be honest

Just as easy as you were able to look up all the info about the brother online, it is just as easy for him to look you up online too, which he probably did. And remember, if his Facebook or Twitter profile shows an entirely other side, then double check to make sure you have the right person as there could be other people who have the same name, and in some cases the brother might not have Facebook or Twitter altogether. Honesty is indeed the only good policy.

[Ummati]

This talk on Nikah by Shaykh Kamaluddin is amazing!

Part I

www.islamicspirituality.org/audio/download/107/Nikah%20-%20I.mp3

Part II

www.islamicspirituality.org/audio/download/108/Nikah%20-%20II.mp3

[Ummati]

Recommendations for wives

It is much recommended to give some good advice to every woman who is about to get married:

It was narrated that Anas, may Allâh be pleased with him, said: The companions, may Allâh be pleased with them, of the Messenger of Allâh, prayers and peace of Allâh be upon, used to, when giving a woman to her husband in marriage, tell her to devote herself to serving her husband and taking care of his rights.

The advice of father for his daughter before the consummation of marriage:

‘Abdullah ibn Ja‘ffar ibn Abu Tâlib, may Allâh be pleased with him, advised his daughter by saying:

1- Beware of jealousy; it is the key word of divorce.

2- Beware of much blame; it creates grudge.

3- Use kohl (a substance for lining one’s eyes); it is the best adornment.

4- Water is the best perfume.

The advice of the husband to his wife:

Abu Ad-Dardâ’, may Allâh be pleased with him, said to his wife: “If you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see you angry, I will calm you down, otherwise it will be too difficult to live together.”

A husband once said to his wife:

Hold to forgiveness and clemency, so affection will persist,

And do not speak while I am angry,

Do not hit my rage as you hit the tambourine,

For we do not know what may happen,

Do not make much complain for this dissipates love,

And so my heart will hate you for hearts changes quickly,

I saw that if love and harm gathered together in the heart,

Then love will be vanished instantly.

The advice of the mother to her daughter before the consummation of marriage:

‘Amr ibn Hajar, the king of Kindah, engaged Umm Iyaas bint ‘Awf ibn Muhallim Ash-Shaybâni. When the time of marriage is due and before the consummation of marriage, her mother Bint Al-Hârith talked to her privately. She gave her some good advice explaining for her the basis of leading a happy marital life and what she has to do for her husband. She said:

O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

O my daughter, you are about to leave the home and atmosphere in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

- The first and second of them are: Be obedient and content in his company, and listen to and obey him well.

- The third and fourth of them are: Make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you.

- The fifth and sixth of them are: Prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

- The seventh and eight of them are: Take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him highly, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

- The ninth and tenth of them are: Never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy.


By: Khateeb (orator) Of the Masjid of Fâris Al-Waqyân

[iLoveAllah]

Surah Rum, ayah 21

And it is among His signs that He has created for
you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find
tranquility in them, and He has created love and
kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs
for a people who reflect.

"The object of married life is tranquility for which mutual love and
affection is the key"

[iLoveAllah]

A woman's du'a for her future husband:

O Allah! Please grant me the one
Who will be the garment for my soul
Who will satisfy half of my deen
And in doing so make me whole

Make him righteous and on your path
In all he'll do and say
And sprinkle water on me at Fajr
Reminding me to pray

May he earn from halal sources
And spend within his means
May he seek Allah's guidance always to fulfill all his dreams

May he always refer to Qur'an
and the Sunnah as his moral guide
May he thank and appreciate Allah
For the woman at his side

May he be conscious of his anger
And often fast and pray
Be charitable and sensitive
In every possible way

May he honor and protect me
And guide me in this life
And please Allah! Make me worthy
to be his loving wife

And finally, O Allah!
Make him abundant in love and laughter
In taqwa and sincerity
In striving for the hereafter!
May Allah grant all the Muslim sisters with such husbands...

Ameen <3

[Ummati]

“…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…”
(2:187)

[Ummati]

=))

[bint e adam]

[Insha]

Aisha ra asked Allahs
Messenger pbuh: Who has the greatest
rights over a woman?
He said, Her husband. She asked, And
who has the greatest rights over a
man? He said, His mother. [al-Bazzar]

A woman came to ask the Prophet pbuh
about some matter, and when he had
dealt with it, he asked her, Do you have
a husband? She said, Yes.He asked her,
How are you with him? She said, I never
fall short in my duties, except for that
which is beyond me. He said, PAY
ATTENTION TO HOW YOU TREAT HIM
FOR HE IS YOUR PARADISE AND YOUR
HELL [Ahmad & Nisaai]

The Prophet pbuh said: No human being
is permitted to prostrate to another, but
if this were permitted I would have
ordered wives to prostrate to their
husbands, because of the greatness of
the rights they have over them.
[Ahmad]

May Allah grant us good marriage
partners!
May Allah grant us khair in our
marriages,
May Allah grant us strong marriages.
Ameen.

[Ummati]

“I can’t tell you if you married the right person.

I can tell you that if you treat him like the right person, it’ll work out”.